


Another Soul to Cling to

by FanaticeIllabantur



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon verse, Confused Levi is Confused, Confusion, Death, I mean this is the survey corps, Longing, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Slow Burn, eruri - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-10 08:17:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 35,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11687682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanaticeIllabantur/pseuds/FanaticeIllabantur
Summary: It took a long time for Levi to realise he was in love with Erwin Smith.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, by the end of this chapter, it might seem confusing as to why there is a second chapter, but it'll make sense when the second chapter is uploaded. I hope you enjoy, I have so many more fics about how Levi and Erwin get together, I can't even tell you.
> 
> The next chapter will be up next Monday.
> 
> Thank you for reading x

> “How we need another soul to cling to, another body to keep us warm. To rest and trust; to give your soul in confidence: I need this, I need someone to pour myself into.”  
>  ― Sylvia Plath, _The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath_

Levi liked structure and regularity. Things needed to stay the same, things were not allowed to change. If Levi knew what was going on, he was content. That was, perhaps, the only real time that he _was_ content.

The Survey Corps had been a big change to his regularity and then, without the only two people who brought any sort of structure to his life, Levi found it even more difficult to adjust. They did things entirely different to what Levi was used to. Levi wasn’t sure where his place was with these new people, he didn’t know where he fit in. He wasn’t exactly a part of them because he was merely “lending his skill” to the Corps as Erwin had asked, he wasn’t rising through the ranks like a normal soldier, so he wasn’t sure what his place was amongst them.

He had become a recluse after his best friends had gone, but he had engaged with the Corps after that, after he had gotten used to it as best as he could at the time. It was still a lot to grow accustom to, but he was getting there. It would take time, but he would get there, hopefully.

Training like the Corps did was not something he was used to, not with so many people around as well. It made Levi stick to the outskirts and try to avoid doing as much as possible before he could run back inside and return to something not as stressful.

After a rather strenuous bout of training that was made harder by those that just couldn’t grasp certain concepts with the gear, Levi walked into the communal bathroom as fast as he could, not needing to shower as he hadn’t done all that much, and always wishing desperately to have his own. The state these ones were in was just unthinkable and Levi loathed going in there. Unfortunately, there weren’t any other ones that were better. This was the best of a bad bunch.

Considering it was just after training, there were a lot of people already in there, showering and cleaning. The room was steamy, everyone using the hot water to the extreme. It came at such few points during the day that, when the hot water was available, it was used up the very second it came on. Levi always showered when no one else was in the room, not because he was embarrassed of his body, but because, alone, the hot water was free for him and him alone to use.

The sound of running water was pleasant to Levi’s ears, the idea of cleanliness filling the room a perfect one to Levi. He went straight to the sinks, washing his hands of any lick of dirt that may have gotten on him whilst he was working.

In the mirror, he could work out the back of that blonde mop that sat on Erwin’s head. Erwin was too tall for the doors and it was comical to Levi. Levi, quite the contrast to Erwin, was hidden completely by the door. It was a blessing to Levi for he hated being seen when he was showering. It was an intimate experience for him, and he felt dirty if someone could see him.

The water in Erwin’s block was shut off and Levi watched him for a moment as he moved about, doing whatever it was that he was doing, out of sight. When he felt he had been watching him too long, Levi turned and dried his hands and went to leave, just as Erwin left the stall.

Levi stopped instantly, distracted by Erwin’s glistening chest and stomach. Water ran over his body, from his defined collarbone, over his chest and down his muscles, coming to rest at the towel that hugged his hips, tight. His olive skin practically shimmered from the lights in the room and the droplets across his body. It made Levi swallow, his eyes entranced at the sight, his body frozen to the spot.

Erwin had also stopped and Levi couldn’t figure out why. He couldn’t move his eyes from his naked chest to look at his face to work out why he wasn't moving anymore. All Levi could do was stare and swallow.

“Levi?” Erwin said, emphasising that he had probably said it a few times before Levi finally twigged.

His eyes snapped up to meet Erwin’s gaze, his thick brows creased as he looked at Levi.

“What?” Levi practically snarled.

“Everything okay?” Erwin asked, watching Levi carefully, fearful that he might scare him off.

Levi rolled his eyes and tried to play it off as though nothing was wrong whatsoever, as if Erwin was the one who had done something stupid, turning on his heel and hurtling through the door so that it slammed shut behind him, leaving a confused and slightly amused Erwin watching after him. It was too much to deal with and Levi didn’t know why Erwin’s chest was so enchanting to him. He had seen many a male chest before, Erwin’s wasn’t any different. Sure, it was broad, and muscled, and he had beautiful and light blonde hairs going down his body, towards his happy trail and disappearing beneath the towel, and his olive skin was gorgeous, and he had some scars that made him intriguing, and… Levi had lost his train of thought.

Levi didn’t care to be thinking about that, not at all. He needed to focus on other things, things like… Levi couldn’t exactly think about what else he needed to think about, but he was sure there was something. There had to be something other than Erwin’s chest that was important to him.

Levi was assigned cleaning duties for the rest of the day, and he couldn’t have been happier about that. Not only could he avoid everyone, he could do something he actually enjoyed. Every time someone tried to come into the room he was cleaning, he sent them away instantly, needing to be alone. This was his happy place, which he knew was a little on the sad side, but what made people happy made people happy and no one should really dispute that. Levi liked to clean, and he liked to clean alone, and that was exactly what he was going to do.

Breakfast was earlier than usual the next day because the new recruits needed something and that meant everyone else had to suffer for them, and Levi rolled out of his bed, yawned, and changed into better clothing. Whilst he was not outright a fan of the uniform, he liked it when it was in pristine condition, as was the case with everything in his life. He also liked the regularity that uniform brought, and regularity was key to Levi and his happiness.

He was invited to sit with Hanji and the others, Hanji jabbering excitedly about something they had found out and, whilst Levi didn’t rightly think he deserved to sit with them, trying to say no to Hanji was near impossible. Once he got his tray of dog’s dinner-like bullshit, he sat next to Mike which, somehow, was opposite Erwin. As Erwin was getting far too much in his thoughts recently, Levi didn’t quite like the idea of sitting opposite him.

The lot of them were already talking when Levi sat down, so Levi didn’t feel the need to say anything once he joined them.

“Shadis is going to choose you,” Hanji said, eating with their mouth open, which was disgusting and made Levi look down at the brown lumps in his food.

“That’s implying he’s going to die soon,” Erwin said. “And I don’t think that’s something we should imply about our Commander.”

“He could abdicate,” Mike said.

“Unlikely,” Erwin said. “No one’s ever done that.”

Levi pushed the lumps around with his fork. The food in Underground somehow managed to look more appealing than what got lumped on their plates in the mess hall. But Levi had learned to ignore what food looked like and eat. He had never known when the next meal was coming before and, for the most part, that applied here as well.

It tasted about as good as it looked, however.

“There are many other good candidates,” Erwin continued.

“But you’re one of them,” Hanji almost yelled, spit spraying everywhere.

Erwin laughed and Levi’s stomach did a flip. He put it down to the lumps he had just swallowed but he could not say anything for sure. Looking up at Erwin who still had a smile on his lips, Levi again felt as entranced as he had done when he had seen Erwin walk out of the shower.

His face lit up when he smiled, his eyes bright and shining. There were lines at the corners of his eyes that made him look handsome and pleasant to the eye. Even his smile was perfect, his thick lips turned up lightly. Levi’s stomach did another flip.

They made eye contact and Erwin’s smile slowly faded, watching Levi with curiosity strong in his gaze.

“Everything okay?” Erwin asked, furrowing his brow when Levi swallowed thickly.

“Yeah,” Levi forced his gaze away and down towards his food, his stomach not all that willing to eat anymore.

The others were looking at Levi as well and Levi did not like being watched. After he stood, he took his tray and went to leave, not wanting to be by their side anymore.

“You’ve barely eaten anything,” Hanji said, concerned.

“Not hungry,” Levi answered, simply and shortly, turning his back on them all and throwing away the shit that was on his plate despite his stomach rumbling.

Shaking his head of the thoughts, Levi left the room and went straight back to his bed.

He wasn’t tired, he just wanted to get away. Erwin was much too confusing to him and Levi was not a fan of confusing things. Levi liked to know exactly what was going on at all times. Anything that was odd to Levi, he would like that gone, out of his life, for good.

As most left him alone for the majority of the day, Levi painstakingly cleaned every inch of his quarters. It was spick and span anyway, that was the way Levi always kept it, but he cleaned when he was idle. Well, he cleaned when he wasn’t idle as well, but it was good for his thoughts, letting them simmer and calm.

Nobody came to see him for the rest of the day, and Levi kept himself to himself. They were going on some expedition sometime soon, but Levi didn’t need training for that. It wasn’t arrogance that made him think like that, it was just fact. Levi didn’t need training because his skill set was higher than the others'. Erwin had asked him to lend his skill to the Corps, and so he had. He didn’t need training like the others, not when he was more advanced than most of them anyway.

Levi awoke the next morning to find that he had fallen asleep in the chair next to the window, the morning sun blindingly bright. He hadn’t gotten used to seeing the sun, particularly not in the morning. When he was younger, he had often dreamt of waking up and being above ground. For that reason, he never trusted seeing the sun in the morning until he truly knew he was awake.

He stood and stretched, readjusting his clothes and straps. There was a note, he noticed, that had been slid underneath his door and he picked it up. It was in Hanji’s awful scrawl, saying something about being required out on the grounds. Levi sighed and left, hoping it wouldn’t take too long.

Most of them were already out there, perfecting their use of the gear. Levi was not required to go to these particular sessions given his skill level, but Shadis had asked him to demonstrate sometimes. Levi had first told him where he could shove that request, but Erwin had asked him after that, and Levi found that he had trouble saying no to Erwin.

Most of them were delinquents with the gear. Either they couldn’t use blades at the same time or they had trouble securing to objects and keeping their balance. Levi thought it was a miracle they got into the Corps at all. Patience was not Levi’s strong point, which was why he just demonstrated and the others taught.

Erwin had landed on the ground near Levi, teaching one of the newbies how to use as little gas as possible. Since Levi was the kind who never thought about the gas use, Erwin thought it best for himself to teach that part. Again, Levi demonstrated, the others taught.

Erwin walked towards Levi, stretching his neck as he went. When he stood right beside him, he stretched his entire body, his shirt untucking as he stretched his arms in the air and moved side to side. Sometimes training could take it out of a person, and stretching was a necessity. Levi just wished to whoever might be listening that Erwin wouldn’t stretch right in front of him.

Parts of his stomach were revealed to Levi and, despite it being completely dry this time, Levi had just as much trouble looking away. His mouth dried up and swallowing became a difficult task. He attempted to draw his eyes away, but he struggled entirely, his fists clenching as Erwin made a strangled noise in his throat.

Levi closed his eyes and sighed deep, forcing his head away, though it took a lot of effort. When he opened his eyes, Erwin was looking at him, tucking his shirt in, curiosity set in his eyes again.

“Everything okay?” Erwin asked.

“Stop asking me that,” Levi said, forcing his gaze away from Erwin again.

“Then you should tell me what’s the matter,” Erwin said, his gaze heavy on Levi’s lips.

“Nothing,” Levi lied. Even if he knew what the matter was, he probably wouldn’t tell Erwin. The main problem was that he didn’t know _what_ the matter was.

There was a long pause that hung between them, and Levi looked at Erwin, wondering why he wasn’t talking. He was still watching Levi, the hairs on his body rising because of it, but he wouldn’t talk unless Erwin said something again. Levi was the king of staring until someone else looked away. Erwin was a decent competitor, but he gave up before Levi did.

“Levi!” Hanji called, waving frantically from a little way away. “We need you over here!”

Levi nodded and left, glad to be away from Erwin and that damn body of his. Levi knew he was attracted to the male form, particularly men that were taller than him. Erwin was a lot taller than him and he had a good body. Levi was probably attracted to that part of him, and he had to get that out of his head. Levi could not be distracted when he had things he needed to accomplish. No person could distract him from that, he wouldn’t let them.

Thankfully, he did not see Erwin for the next couple of days. Erwin often got called along with Shadis and the others to go the Capital to see important people who could help them in some way. It left Levi and the others to get on with things.

Whilst Levi would not consider them friends because he didn’t really know what friendship consisted of when his previous friendships were based on illegal activity in Underground, the people who he would deem closest to that were the ones that got called away. Levi, again, was not a ranked soldier at this point because he was lending his skill to the cause, and that was the reason he wasn’t allowed to go with them into the towns. They all said he had the ability to be highly ranked, but Levi wasn’t sure about it yet. The only reason he was considering it was because he was left alone when they all went away. He hadn’t been alone like that in over a decade. Loneliness was not something he wanted to endure again.

The days passed slowly, and Levi put that down to the fact he did not speak to anyone other than Hanji and Mike and Erwin and… There wasn’t really anyone else. And those people were all gone. It was rather depressing.

He did not spend time with any of the others in and around their HQ. He remained in his room the entire time unless he was eating or showering. There wasn’t much else to do, he just had to wait.

It got a little much by the fourth day, so he went practising on the gear to clear his mind. Even cleaning had been excessed too far and Levi couldn’t focus on any of that. This was an intense boredom that Levi had not felt before. At least there were always fights in Underground that Levi could observe. When everyone was waiting on a mission and for the others to return, nothing good was happening and Levi decided that soaring through the trees was the only thing to do.

He wasn’t meant to be using up the gas, it was a resource that, once gone, was certainly gone. But there was literally nothing else to do. When Levi had envisioned escaping Underground, this was not the kind of thing he imagined he would be suffering from; boredom. It was worse than any other fate for him. He almost wanted the Underground. It wasn’t much, it wasn’t like he wanted to be back there, but things did make more sense down there.

You fought for what you wanted, and you got what you fought for. Levi didn’t necessarily understand what people did up here. They had all this freedom, sure, stuck in walls, but a lot more than what Underground got. And Levi felt an immense sense of guilt for feeling bored when he was above it. Things did make more sense down there than they did up here, that’s what Levi knew for sure.

Erwin wasn’t down there, that was the one thing that confused him the most up above ground. Levi couldn’t even put his finger on why he was so baffled by him, but he was. Levi wanted to figure it out, but that meant spending time with him, and Levi wasn’t sure if that was a good thing at this point.

Again, Erwin was baffling to Levi, and he both wanted to know why and not at exactly the same time.

But they did return, after five days of being gone. As it was a lot longer than they should have been there, that either meant things had gone well or very badly. When he heard they were coming back, Levi had waited for them just a way away, to watch them come back in their carriages. Four carriages arrived and Levi waited for them, watching them intently.

Erwin got out of the third one and Levi’s heart stopped in his chest, a warmth spreading through him. Levi put that down to the fact they were all relatively happy and that relieved Levi, not to anything else. He wouldn’t even know what else to put that down to if he tried.

Levi did not immediately go over to them as some of the others did, he waited and watched some more. Although he had been waiting for them for five days, he suddenly felt like going over to them would be desperate. Levi didn’t like to be desperate, he didn’t like to appear clingy. He was in fact very clingy, but that was not something he showed to people.

Instead of going towards them, Levi went through a door and waited inside. He leant against the wall and pressed his head back, sighing. He didn’t know what was happening, but he wasn’t a fan.

They came through the door before he could think much else and Levi looked at them. He crossed his arms as they approached, talking to everyone else about their travels. Some of them smiled at Levi, and Erwin was one of them. Levi’s heart just about stopped in his chest again, hairs rising across his body.

He stopped walking with the rest of them and approached Levi, Levi remaining exactly where he was, nerves prominent in his stomach.

“Hello,” Erwin greeted, stopping beside Levi as the others continued down the hall.

“Hey,” Levi replied, pretending to not give a shit about anything at all, though he had missed his company dearly.

“Things went well,” Erwin said. “We have permission to continue.”

“I don’t even know what we were continuing with,” Levi said, attempting to be casual.

“Of course you don’t,” Erwin said, shaking his head at himself. “I forget you don’t sit in with us most of the time. You really should. You deserve it.”

“Deserve what?”

“To sit in on the meetings.”

“Shadis hates me,” Levi said.

“And you hate him too,” Erwin said, laughing lightly. “It’ll work perfectly.”

“Do I have to do anything?” Levi asked after a pause, a little curious about what it was like to genuinely be a part of the team. It wasn’t that Levi _wasn’t_ a part of the team, he just wasn’t _officially_. And being official probably did change some things, Levi just didn’t know what exactly.

“No,” Erwin said. “’Nothing whatsoever.”

“Okay.”

“Good. I’ll let Shadis know.”

Levi nodded and Erwin smiled. There was another pause and Levi could feel Erwin watching him, so he cleared his throat and pushed himself off the wall. He walked down the hall and Erwin accompanied him. He didn’t know where he was walking to, he just didn’t want to be watched so much by Erwin. It made his hairs stand up.

“So, what is the mission?” Levi asked to get rid of the silence that was comfortable but it left room to think. Levi didn’t want to think.

“It’s purely a scouting one,” Erwin said. “We don’t want to engage with the titans at all, if possible. We’ll be going out as one big group to scout outside, staying together and moving along the wall. It’s a few days’ worth of a mission, we’re hoping to figure some things out.”

“What things?” Levi asked.

“Hanji knows. I don’t tend to ask them questions. They explain it a lot better than I can.”

Levi nodded. “When are we going?”

“Within the week.”

“That’s fucking soon.”

“We’re hoping to avoid all contact with titans, so there shouldn’t be too much preparation.”

“We always see titans.”

“Well, that’s why we’re bringing you.” Erwin smiled.

Levi scoffed, but felt a warmth blossom through his chest at the praise.

They didn’t prepare all that much, they just informed everyone of what they would be doing, and then they were doing it. Levi practised on his horse more than with the gear. Horses were something he picked up easily, but his first encounter with horses after coming out of Underground had not been a pleasant one, Isabel and Farlan having found that hilarious, Levi having been left scarred for a little while.

People had gathered when they left the Wall, Levi ignoring them all to the best of his ability. They either hated the Corps, or they loved them, there was no in between. Levi didn’t care for either. Until they had experienced what the Corps had experienced, they were not allowed an opinion in his eye.

They rode out fast, trying to cover the distance as quickly as possible. Whilst it was a possible week-long mission, scouting the area before that time was up would have been much more preferable. Just because they said they didn’t want to encounter any titans didn’t mean they wouldn’t. They always had to be on the lookout, no matter where they were or what they were doing.

For the first hour or so, there were no titans and they carried on their course. There was some splitting up of the group so that the area could be scouted quicker but, for the most part, they stayed together. It was safer for that reason.

One of the groups from the right came back saying they had spotted titans on the horizon from the east, so they diverted their course to avoid them at all costs. That was what they continued to do every time anything was spotted in any direction. It meant they went in zigzags across the land, but it was safe. Not all of the recruits had seen a titan yet, so not all of them would be that prepared for their first time. Being so far from the Walls meant that any sort of danger was amplified intensely, and the newer recruits didn’t deserve that.

Levi rode near the front with Erwin and Shadis and the others. There was a lot of free ground around them, a lot of trees covering most of it. Occasionally, there was a town on the horizon, some houses or something, and Levi wondered what it might have been like to live out here, in the middle of nowhere. If one could ignore the dangers and avoid the titans, it might be nice. Of course, it wouldn’t be great until the titans were smote, but one day it would be. They had to accomplish their goal eventually.

As the horses grew tired, they all stopped to rest. There were some abandoned buildings they hauled up in, getting under the safety of a roof to eat a little. Levi wasn’t sure what the exact plan was, but he never was really. He just followed Erwin’s lead and made sure as few people died as possible. The same applied here.

It became a little relentless after that; they rode until the horses tired, stopped, ate, went again. They repeated that cycle constantly for four days. Levi wondered when they might run out of food, when people might get fed up. But they didn’t. Sleeping wasn’t the most fun; there was no safety to be guaranteed whatsoever, but Levi was used to that. It was the others that weren’t. Levi probably slept the soundest out of them all because of his past, so at least he had that over them.

On the fifth day, the land became less even, hills covering everything behind and before them. It made them all wary, not much security when everything was hills and bumps and anything could come over them at any second, so they slowed their pace.

They would be turning back tomorrow, everything almost accomplished according to the majority of them. Levi hadn’t really listened, he had just absorbed the world around him, following the lead of those in front of him.

The sound of running water hit Levi before everyone else. Levi had so little heard something as pure as running water that even the slightest hint of water and Levi could hear and know exactly where it was. As he didn’t think it was that important, he didn’t mention it, but then Mike said something to Shadis and they changed course to go towards it. Levi was more than a little glad. Everyone fucking stank and Levi would love to get clean.

They found the source; a waterfall with a lake expanding beneath it. As it had been safe for the most part, people decided they could take a break and wash for a moment. As long as they had some people on watch who weren’t washing, they would be okay.

Most of them started stripping completely, but Levi just took off his shirt and rolled up his trousers after removing his boots. Waterfalls were cold, and that was all Levi knew about them. This was the first one he had seen and there was a lot of weight in the water that splashed down onto the pools below. And Levi neither wanted to be cold or crushed underneath the flow of water.

That did not stop the others, them stripping until they were buck naked. Levi waded into the water and cupped some into his hands and ran it over his body. It meant his trousers did get a little wet, but he was not going to get caught naked in the middle of nowhere like the others were.

When he was done, knowing he was a clean person overall and not needing that much washing, Levi dressed and sat by a tree to wait for the others. He felt healthier for it, cleaner and better. The wilderness was not somewhere for Levi, who loved being clean, to be.

From where he was sat, he saw Erwin taking off his clothes, having first been on watch for the others. He knew it was perverted as hell for him to watch someone shower, but his eyes were drawn to him. He stripped completely, his olive skin shimmering underneath the hot afternoon sun. There were lines and indents, many coming from the straps of his uniform that made his body all angles and shadows, Levi’s heart lurching at the sight. Swallowing was no easy feat again as he watched Erwin walk over to the stream of water and stand beneath it.

There were parts of it that were not as heavy as the others and Erwin chose one towards the side, closer to Levi. Levi started chewing his lip, eyes stuck on his body as the water began to run down him.

Whilst it was a little difficult to ignore the size of cock, Levi was more intrigued about the innate beauty his overall body held. He had thick and strong thighs, prominent hip bones, the best ass Levi had ever seen, beautiful blonde hairs covering his body. Whilst most of that seemed innately sexual, Levi regarded him more as beautiful than anything else. Everything about him screamed that he was a strong and confident man, and Levi was drawn to that about him.

The water ran fiercely down his body, and, although he was surely cold, he didn’t show it. He ran his hands through his hair and over his body, and Levi’s mouth dried completely, his heart hammering hard in his chest.

Not wanting to get caught staring, Levi turned his head away and looked up at the sky through the trees. There was no part of Levi that took advantage of that view, of the sky being visible. So many people took that for granted, and Levi could never do that. Not ever.

Even though there were clouds, even though some of them were grey, it was perfect to Levi. To have that much freedom, to know that there was more to the world than the land in front of them, it filled Levi’s chest completely, making it swell. When he could watch the birds in the sky, he knew that there were endless possibilities out there. Maybe not right at this moment, but there were. The world was huge, the sky evermore so, and Levi couldn’t help but be enchanted by the view, no matter if it was cloudy or raining, though rain still triggered difficult memories for him.

Levi had been so entranced by the sky that he hadn’t seen Erwin coming over, and he jumped when Erwin sat beside him. Erwin laughed through his nose when he saw him jump.

Erwin was still half naked and Levi was struggling to not look at him. He had his trousers on, but not his boots, not his shirt or jacket or straps. And his hair was wet, dripping down his still soaking back and chest. Levi had trouble swallowing again, his throat suddenly too thick for the act.

“The water is freezing,” Erwin said, picking up a cloth he had in his pack and running it over him to soak up as much of the water as possible. Levi had a difficult time trying to not look at him as he wiped at his biceps and then down to his stomach.

“It is a waterfall,” Levi said, mouth dry.

“You’re not wrong,” Erwin said, wringing out the cloth once he was done and standing to hang it up on a branch.

Levi watched him stretch up, watched him as his spine straightened and his ass stuck out. There were patches of water seeping through the fabric of his trousers and Levi tried to look anywhere but Erwin’s body and his legs. His muscles flexed as he moved around and it made Levi’s stomach do flip after flip. Levi was perhaps coming to understand what was going on, but he was going to ignore it at all costs.

Erwin sat down again next to Levi and started to pull his boots on.

“Are we still turning back tomorrow?” Levi asked, looking away from Erwin as best as he could.

“We’re thinking about starting tonight. We can travel at a faster pace now that we know where we’ve come from, so we should get back on schedule.”

Levi nodded, clenching his fists as he saw Erwin pull on his vest from the corner of his eye. His stomach was tight and his nails were pressing crescents into his palms, knuckles white.

Then Erwin pulled on his shirt and buttoned it up and Levi thought he was safe. Until he started doing his straps and Levi could feel his blood coursing through him, breathing growing difficult. His mouth was so dry, his throat even more so. Levi was trying his utmost hardest to ignore him, but he couldn’t help but watch as Erwin tightened the ones on his thighs, making the lump in his throat damn near impossible to get passed.

“Are you okay?” Erwin asked once he started on the strap across his chest. “You look a little pale.”

“Just thirsty,” Levi said, his throat desperate for something to make it less dry.

“I have water,” Erwin said and he rooted through his pack and pulled out a flask of water for Levi. Levi took it with a word of thanks and drank some of it. He didn’t want to be rude and take all of it, but his throat damn near needed it.

Erwin drank some when Levi gave it back, and Levi looked over to the waterfall again, not as intrigued by the other naked people washing as he had been with Erwin. Whatever was happening, Levi would ignore it because he didn’t know what to do with such feelings.

“We’ve been lucky,” Erwin said after clearing his throat. “We haven’t fought a single one out here.”

“Don’t jinx it,” Levi said. “Shit could still happen.”

“I think we’re okay,” Erwin said.

“They say it’s always at the end of the climb when hikers are most likely to fall,” Levi said.

“I didn’t know you knew that saying,” Erwin said. “Not many people use it.”

“I do. Cockiness is the worst fucking trait.”

“I don’t think I was being cocky-.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Levi quickly recovered. He didn’t want Erwin to think he was insulting him. That was the last thing he wanted. “I just meant being confident for too long results in bad things.”

“Is overconfidence not arrogance?” Erwin asked and he was smiling.

The smile made Levi’s stomach lurch. “I guess.”

Erwin laughed. “Then I sincerely _hope_ our luck will continue.”

“Mm.”

Erwin laughed lightly beside him, Levi’s stomach spinning. A shiver ran down Levi’s spine as he glanced at Erwin, his smile bright and beautiful. Levi engraved that smile into his mind forever, it was far too beautiful to forget.

Then Erwin looked at him and Levi darted his gaze away in an instant, looking at the pool in front of him, the cloudy sky reflected in its clear water. There were birds up above, moving across the lake, their reflections shimmering as the water moved, ripples running as the waterfall ran upstream.

“Wouldn’t it be nice to live out here?” Erwin asked. “You know, without the titans.”

“It’s a bit far away from everything,” Levi mused.

“That’s not always that bad,” Erwin said. “Sometimes being away from things is good.”

Levi looked at Erwin who was watching the sky, his blue eyes glimmering underneath the sunlight. “I thought you liked living around people.”

Erwin shrugged. “I don’t _dis_ like it. I don’t think that means I necessarily like it.”

“But you’re a people person?”

Erwin laughed. “Is that what you think?”

“Is that not the case?”

“I’m not sure,” Erwin said, looking down at the ground and fiddling with his bolo tie. “Some people are exhausting.”

“ _Most_ people are exhausting.”

“Mhm,” Erwin agreed. “I hope you don’t think I’m exhausting.” Erwin turned his head to face Levi, their eyes meeting. Erwin’s were soft, warm, and inviting, and Levi could feel his own gaze softening just by looking at him, his body melting underneath his watch.

Levi shook his head slowly. “No, you’re okay.”

Erwin laughed through his nose. “You’re okay, too.”

Levi swallowed thickly, the two of them watching each other for a moment. Levi could hear his heart in his head, the rest of the world fading, going into the background as they watched each other, the moment encompassing them.

It was ruined when Hanji came stumbling over, half-naked and soaking wet. They dripped water all over Levi, their hair sopping wet and covering their face like they were mad, meant to be locked up. Levi wouldn’t put that passed Hanji. They probably were meant for an asylum somewhere. They had that air about them.

“The water’s cold,” Hanji said, shaking their hair like a dog.

“And you’re getting it on me,” Levi said, glaring them down.

Hanji laughed loudly and started dressing, clearly too wet for their clothing. Levi was thankful they had bathed, that was probably the first time in months, but now they had ruined the thing that had just happened between him and Erwin, whatever that might have been. And Levi hated Hanji for a second, though he wasn’t sure why.

They got moving as soon as everyone was ready to go, dried and clean for the first time in a long while. Levi stayed to the side of Erwin, just a little way back so Erwin would not feel that Levi was annoying. Levi couldn’t help but watch Erwin for almost the entire time they were there, travelling by horseback. He was entirely too much of a distraction, but Levi couldn’t stop watching him as he talked with the others or stayed idle. Levi admired his features and his back and his shoulders and his hair and his everything. Levi watched him and only him, not caring about the rest of the world.

As nightfall came, they happened upon a castle that wasn’t too beaten and destroyed. Shadis decided it would be best to stay there for the night before riding hard tomorrow to get back on schedule. The members of the Survey Corps were too tired, and they agreed instantly.

In the foyer of the abandoned building, they all gathered around and waited for what they should do.

“We’ll search the building and watch in groups,” Keith said and he started putting people together.

Levi and Erwin were the only two left once he had done that.

“Levi…” Keith paused.

“I can go by myself,” Levi said, happier to be alone than paired or part of a group that might infuriate him.

“I’m happy to go with Levi,” Erwin said.

Keith looked relieved and turned around, going with someone whose name Levi did not know. Levi and Erwin were left, standing side by side. Erwin did have authority over Levi, though he rarely, if ever, used that, but Levi would wait to be told what to do today. They were rarely left alone and Levi didn’t know what to do with that.

“We’ll go this way,” Erwin said and let Levi lead.

Levi shook his head and paused and Erwin took the hint, going first and letting Levi follow.

There wasn’t much to their section of the building, just two empty rooms, one having a smashed window. They decided to sleep in the other one, wanting to keep the warmth in as best as possible.

Levi offered to take first watch and Erwin thanked him. They settled down, Levi next to the window so that he could see out of it, and Erwin lying a few feet away from him.

Erwin was lying facing him, his features soft in the light of the night. His heart was swelling, his breathing calm. Levi didn’t know why he always felt such peace when he looked at Erwin, but he did. His mere presence made Levi relax, made him feel like everything was in control. He just had that air about him.

“Everything okay, Levi?” Erwin asked as he could easily tell Levi was watching him.

Levi shook himself out of it and turned his head away. Erwin rolled onto his side fully to look at Levi, eyes intent on him.

“ _Is_ everything okay?” Erwin asked.

“What?”

“You never answer me when I ask you.”

“It’s a stupid question.”

“Why?”

“Because you confuse me.”

“Confuse you?” Erwin repeated but Levi did not speak again. “I guess most people think the Corps are a terrible group of people so, when you get to really see us and see that we’re not like that all, I guess that can be confusing.”

“No,” Levi said.

“No?” Erwin repeated, slowly, confused.

“I didn’t give a shit about the Survey Corps before, I didn’t think about them much at all,” Levi said, chewing his lip slowly. “ _You_ confuse me.”

“ _I_ confuse you?”

“ _You_ confuse me,” Levi repeated.

“I, _Erwin,_ confuse you?”

“Yes.”

“Me, _personally_?”

Levi nodded.

Erwin looked baffled. “Why?”

“I don’t know,” Levi said, honestly. “You just do. I don’t understand what’s happening. You just confuse me.”

“What am I doing that’s confusing?”

“I don’t know how to explain it,” Levi said.

“Can you try?”

“No.”

Erwin looked taken aback. “Okay… But-.”

“Just go to sleep. I’ll wake you later.”

“But-.”

“Go to sleep,” Levi ordered and he turned his back on Erwin.

Erwin remained where he was for a moment, clearly bemused, before he shuffled around and settled down to sleep. Levi sighed deep and closed his eyes for a moment. He didn’t know why he had said anything, it would just make matters worse. And to get worse than they already were, that was not a direction Levi wanted to be going in.

Ignoring it completely, Levi waited a few hours, watching the sky move above him. Clouds drifted slowly, blocking some stars before blocking others as they twinkled high above them all. Stars had always mystified Levi, and he would love to know their wonders. But they were far above and beyond Levi and his comprehension. All he could do was watch and wonder, though that was not all that terrible. In fact, Levi was rather content with just wondering at things greater than him.

When he awoke Erwin, he didn’t say much. Erwin didn’t either, clearly exhausted. Levi fell asleep quickly, feeling safe under Erwin’s watch.

The next day, he did not speak to Erwin. He got up and left the room and ignored him for as long as possible. They all gathered their things and rode on quickly once they were all awake. Levi didn’t ride near the front next to Erwin like he had been doing before, but to the side. He could still see Erwin, but Erwin would not be able to see him, and that was how he liked it.

He continued to ignore and avoid Erwin at all costs for the next few weeks as well. The confusion merely built as he felt his absence, but Levi was pushing that on himself, and so he would deal with it. There were times where he wished Erwin would enforce his company on Levi, but he didn’t. Erwin was nothing if not respecting of other people, and Levi hated him for that, but he couldn’t exactly make that much of a complaint.

Erwin was also busy with reports and helping Shadis with something or other. Their mission had done some good, and Hanji was called off to help them all. Levi, again, was left alone without them. But, because of his utter confusion towards Erwin, he was almost glad for the peace. It meant some of his thoughts could run wild, but he could also calm some of the others, and Levi knew he needed that.

About a month after the mission, Levi was called into Shadis’ office for a meeting. The only other people in the office were Shadis and Erwin, and Levi wondered what the fuck was going on. Deep down, he knew it had to be nothing, but in his heart, he was worried he had been found out.

Levi did not salute, as he rarely did, and Shadis glared at him as he came to stand beside Erwin, a few feet between them. Then he waited, fear striking his heart cold.

“You have been requested at one of the Capital fundraisers,” Shadis said, looking more at Erwin than Levi.

“Is that not your duty?” Erwin asked, hands neatly folded by his back, respectful in comparison to Levi who had his arms crossed across his chest.

“Usually,” Shadis said. “But I have other things to attend to. I suggested you afterwards and, as that is technically against the rules, they asked if they could have another rule-break as well; Levi.”

Not expecting to hear his name in such a context, Levi was struck silent, eyebrows furrowed even further than usual. Even Erwin seemed surprised.

“They asked for Levi specifically?” Erwin asked.

“His reputation has been, shall we say, unleashed unto the public, particularly how fast he has risen through the ranks. They say if they are to meet someone who is not the Commander, they wish to meet Levi as well,” Shadis said, shrugging. “I didn’t ask, I just agreed because we need the funds. To get the funds, we must appease them, we all know that.”

Erwin nodded.

Levi did not.

“Who said I would go?” Levi asked. He wasn’t being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn, Levi just wasn’t a people person. His skill levels may have been released to the public, but his personality hadn’t. They would not like him so much once they met him in person, Levi was sure of that.

“Don’t be a brat, Levi-.”

“I’m not,” Levi interrupted, calm and collected.

“Levi, you’re going,” Shadis declared and that meant there was no room for argument. That did not mean, however, that Levi wouldn’t argue.

“I’m not going to some pretty party for the rich.”

“Whether you want to or not is out of the question. You’re going for the good of the Corps.”

Erwin was staying quiet. He knew better than to get between them sometimes.

“No,” Levi stated.

“You’re going.”

“And how will you make me?” Levi knew very well that he was pushing Shadis’ buttons, but something about that man made him. Levi couldn’t resist if he tried.

Before Shadis could answer, however, Erwin said, “I’ll make sure Levi stays out of trouble.”

Levi turned his head and glared at Erwin, who was looking straight at Shadis.

“Thank you, Erwin. That will be all.”

Erwin saluted and went to leave immediately. Levi remained where he was for a few moments, staring Shadis down. He did not leave until Erwin came up behind him and took his arm, practically pushing him out of the room.

Erwin shut the door quietly behind him and looked at Levi with a sigh. Levi felt worse then than he had the entire time he was in the office talking to Keith. Disappointing Erwin was not something Levi ever wanted to do, and he felt he had done exactly that. His heart filled with guilt.

“Why do you push him like that?” Erwin asked.

Levi shrugged, looking away from Erwin. He felt like a child being scolded, and it was worse coming from Erwin.

“He’s not asking a lot,” Erwin said, and Levi could feel him watching Levi’s every move intently. It was making him feel both guiltier, and a little hot under the collar as well.

“Not of you,” Levi said. “I don’t do social events. Can you really picture me at a social gathering or some shit like that?”

Erwin sighed again and it hurt Levi’s heart. “It’s not preferable for any of us. But they are, unfortunately, a necessity, Levi.”

“For you-.”

“And for you,” Erwin said, and Levi felt like he had been told once and for all.

Levi did not speak again, he looked at the ground and clenched his jaw. Erwin seemed to give up with him and walked away without another word. More pain filled Levi’s heart, but it was for the best. Erwin had better get used to Levi disappointing him, because that was all he would be doing for the rest of their time in the Corps together, however long that might be.

As Levi wasn’t sure what exactly took place during these gatherings, Erwin had to teach him what to do and what he should say. It was a little much to be taking on and Levi knew he wouldn’t remember half the shit Erwin had told him. Trying to learn to be polite in a couple of days was not going to work for Levi when he hadn’t been polite a single day in his life. People and Levi were not meant to meet, Levi knew that in his core. He was blunt, he was considered rude, he did not see the point in going about the point, and that was very much the opposite of what society thought was decent.

He wasn’t nervous as such when they got in the carriage the morning of the event, he just didn’t want to disappoint Erwin. Any level of disappointment he felt from Erwin would break his heart into pieces. He would try his best, but he didn’t know how well he would perform when around other people. Strangers, they were not good for Levi, but he would try.

The carriage ride with Erwin was rather silent. Levi couldn’t tell if that was him bringing on the atmosphere or if it was Erwin. He didn’t want to break it in case Erwin was genuinely mad with him, but he also didn’t like this kind of silence. Usually, it was comfortable between them, but this was different. Levi didn’t like it at all.

“You’re awful quiet, Levi,” Erwin said once they had passed through a gate, going deeper into the Interior. They were almost there and Levi wondered why Erwin hadn’t said anything before if he wasn’t mad with him. “I hope I didn’t offend you the other day when I said you had to come. I just meant it was in our best interests, and sometimes I don’t always think about what other people want when the Corps comes into it.”

“No, it’s fine,” Levi said. “I was just being a stubborn fuck.”

“I don’t think you were,” Erwin said, looking out of the window, Levi watching him and his heart yearning for him. The sun was high in the sky and the light was shining onto his features, making his cheekbones deep and beautiful. Levi almost knew what was happening to him exactly, but he wasn’t sure what to do with it. “I know this isn’t your scene and it’s not fair to force you into it.”

“So, should I go home now?” Levi asked, jokingly as they were far too far in for them to turn back now.

“Did you just call it ‘home’?” Erwin asked, looking at Levi, features soft.

Levi shrugged. “What else would it be?”

“I never thought you’d call it ‘home’,” Erwin said, smiling gently. “Especially not after how much you protested at first.”

Levi snorted at the memory. Whilst it probably wasn’t the nicest memory for Erwin, Levi holding a blade to his throat as he gripped tight onto it, blood pouring down his wrist, it was comical as well. To look back on where they had started and to see them now, it was a very different tale and Levi wouldn’t have believed a single person if they had told him this was how it was going to work out.

Erwin still had the scar across his palm, and it pained Levi to think that he was the one who had caused it. Especially to Erwin who he cared more about than any other person at all. But at least he could know that scar was there and move on from that, see where they were now, not where they had been. That was what Levi would focus on instead.

“I don’t think you could call it protesting,” Levi said. “I had an agenda.”

“I think I can recall,” Erwin said, and he was smiling widely. “But even after your… “agenda” was, somewhat, halted, you still weren’t a fan.”

“You were always the enemy,” Levi said, casually, looking out of the window as they passed some people going about their day. Levi watched them until they were out of sight, wondering what it might be like to live this life instead of the one he had led.

“Is that how everyone thinks down there?” Erwin asked, genuinely even though he said, ‘down there’. Levi knew that meant where it was physically, but it still felt like he meant in relation to its status and what people thought of it.

“Any authority is hated,” Levi said, not looking at Erwin because he didn’t want to offend him. “You don’t bother with us unless we bother you. People don’t even think about it, people probably don’t even think it exists, some don’t even know about it. And those with authority who do know about it hate us and think we’re a parasite. The Survey Corps were a part of that authority. That’s all.”

There was a pause between them as Erwin considered his words. It wasn’t a personal attack, Levi hadn’t hated Erwin personally, he had hated all of authority. In fact, for the most part, he still did. The Corps weren’t that bad because they didn’t abuse it, but go to the Military Police, and it was a different story. Levi hated them. He didn’t hate the Corps, not anymore.

“You still say ‘us’,” Erwin commented. Perhaps he didn’t know what to say to the rest of it. Levi probably wouldn’t if the roles were reversed. Levi had said he had hated who he associated himself with, that probably wasn’t easy to take on even if it wasn’t the same case anymore.

Levi shrugged. “It’s still me. I’m not, not a part of Underground just because I don’t live there anymore.”

“Didn’t you hate it?”

“Yes. I hated it completely and I was always thinking of ways to get out, everyone was. No one wanted to be there.”

“So, why do you still think you’re a part of it?”

“Because I am me because of it. I think the way I do because of it. I live the way I live because of it. I can’t escape it, not even if I’m as far from it as I can get.”

“You don’t think you’ll ever think differently?”

Levi shook his head. He looked at Erwin then, whose blue eyes were soft, watching Levi without judgement.

“Would you be able to forget your upbringing?” He asked.

“I don’t think so.”

“I don’t know how unpleasant yours was, but just because mine wasn’t the best doesn’t mean it’s easier to forget,” Levi said.

“Mine wasn’t terrible, to begin with. But I barely knew my mother, and my father was killed because he knew things he wasn’t meant to know. After that, not so great, but it certainly wasn’t terrible.”

“What things did he know?” Levi asked, not wanting to ask anything too prying.

“Things about the Walls, things he guessed that were correct.”

As Erwin didn’t say too much more, Levi guessed it wasn’t something he wanted to talk about, so Levi didn’t ask anything else. The two of them sat together and talked, waiting for the rest of the journey to end. Even more so, Levi wanted to not disappoint Erwin when he was with these people who could give them funds. He would try to be on his best behaviour. For Erwin.

But that was difficult. When they got there, it had only just begun and people were turning up and greeting each other happily. Levi didn’t own much formal clothing, so he didn’t wear a jacket there. All he had was a button-up shirt, and he hoped it didn’t making him look too nonchalant. Whilst, of course, he felt like that exactly, he shouldn’t show that to people. He had to pretend he was interested in them, that he actually wanted to be there.

Erwin introduced the two of them to some people, Levi having to shake hands with people wearing expensive clothing and jewellery. None of these people knew where he had come from, so they didn’t seem worried that he was looking at their jewels. The reputation of Underground was that they were thieves and, although Levi did not want to take their jewels, people would surely think that if they knew his upbringing.

Some of them asked him questions and Levi answered as politely as he could. He was trying his hardest to force away the sarcastic and bored answers that came straight to his mind. If Erwin was not there and if he did not care if Erwin was disappointed in him, Levi would not have tried that hard at all.

Inside, it got busy very quickly. Levi observed the high ceilings and extravagant paintings and chandeliers that hung low. There was not a penny wasted here, and the contrast to what Levi had known as expensive buildings, the taverns typically, was almost comical to him. It would have been funnier if Levi could ignore the fact that the people in Underground were starving and dying every day whilst these people were living in an opulence they couldn’t even dream of.

He felt entirely out of place, like this was somewhere he was not allowed to be. He truly felt like a child now. He followed Erwin like a lost puppy, not knowing where to go or what to look at. They were told where their rooms were and Levi wanted to escape to them straight away, but Erwin carried on, and Levi didn’t want to be left alone. These people were not Levi’s people, and he found them difficult to navigate.

As long as Erwin stayed with him, he would be able to get through the night. But Erwin didn’t stay with him. He spotted Nile, and Levi was not a fan of Nile, but Erwin knew him and so he told Levi to do his own thing for a moment whilst he went to talk to him. Levi was glad because he didn’t want to talk to Nile, but also fearful because he was now left alone.

Levi stood with his back against the wall, trying to make himself as small as possible to avoid all sort of contact with anyone. He watched Erwin from where he was as he talked with Nile. Levi couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy that Erwin had chosen Nile over him. It was ridiculous, but he felt it all the same.

Some people came over to Levi and talked to him, asking him questions though they would clearly rather talk about themselves. Levi did as little conversational work as possible, letting them do it all as they babbled and yapped on about shit Levi couldn’t care less about.

He focused his attention purely on Erwin, who moved about the room and talked to people. He moved with ease, going from person to person, talking as if he had known them for years. Maybe he had, Levi didn’t know.

All he knew was that it kind of hurt when Erwin leaned in close to them, talking to them intimately. All he knew was that it made his heart grow tight as Erwin laughed a different kind of laugh than the one Levi knew. All he knew was that when he lightly touched the people he was talking to so closely, Levi wished he was there instead. It seemed like he might know a lot, but he didn’t feel like it at all.

Erwin laughed that laugh again, talking to a pretty and tall woman who was wearing something elegant and lowcut. She laughed as well and put her hand on his arm. Levi clenched his jaw and tried to ignore it, but it was all too much. His gaze was intent on how her gaze lingered on Erwin, letting it slip a little too low for Levi’s liking.

Of course, he had no reason to be jealous, he had no right to it. But it was hurting him so and he just wanted it to stop. All he wanted was for Erwin to ignore the pretty lady’s smile and come back to his side.

But then he moved onto a man who was very handsome and he smiled and laughed and joked and touched his arm and Levi felt his stomach drop. They were leaning into each other, smiling and joking, Erwin’s eyes reading something Levi wasn’t sure about, and he hated it. Everything about it, Levi wanted none of it whatsoever.

When Erwin moved onto yet another person, Levi had enough and walked out of the room. He might have been there for a reason, but he couldn’t cope in there for a second longer.

Levi found his room as quickly as possible, ignoring the expensive paintings and intricacies on the walls. Inside his room, it was still relatively light, and Levi shut the door, ignoring how lavish the sheets were and how luxurious the furniture seemed, and he collapsed straight onto the bed.

All Levi could do was ignore how he had been feeling. He couldn’t get to sleep if he tried, he couldn’t think about anything else. Erwin wasn’t even acting all that strange, Levi knew he had to do whatever he could to get donations and funds, but Levi hated what he had to do. It made his heart ache, it made Levi want to curl up and ignore the world. That was all he wanted to do forever.

A few hours later, Erwin knocked on the door and came in. Levi nodded at him as a greeting, not feeling up to talking yet.

“People were asking after you,” Erwin said, shrugging off his jacket and hanging it on the back of the door.

“Oh well.” Levi ignored what he had felt before, confused by it, and continued to stare at the ceiling. He wished to whoever might be listening that Erwin wouldn’t sleep in the same room as him, but there was no way around it. There were two beds, Erwin and Levi had been asked there personally, they weren’t getting another room now.

“I know it’s not your thing,” Erwin said, loosening his tie and taking off his shoes. He had taken into consideration Levi’s levels of cleanliness and put his shoes next to Levi’s. “So, I’m glad that you came. Thank you for that. They liked talking to you, if it’s any consolation.”

“I don’t see why, I’m not exactly a pleasant person to talk to.”

Erwin laughed through his nose and Levi felt something in his chest. It was that damn warmth blossoming and spreading through his body. He hated it because he didn’t know exactly what it was. He could guess, but he didn’t know for sure, and he wasn’t ever certain he would.

“I think they might find you amusing,” Erwin said and he sat on his bed.

Levi tried his hardest to not look at him but he couldn’t help but glance at him, his features softened by the light of the moon pouring through the windows. He wanted to reach out to him for a reason he couldn’t explain, which was why he tightened his fists and went back to staring at the ceiling.

“Why did you leave?” Erwin asked, unbuttoning his shirt after placing his tie on the chair near him.

“I didn’t want to stand there by myself,” Levi said, not mentioning the part where he didn’t like hearing Erwin talk to people the way he did.

“I would have brought you over, but you hate Nile,” Erwin said. “I thought I’d save you from having to talk to him.”

“Why do you even have to talk to him?”

“I’ve known him a while now. And I think connections with him are good to have.”

“Is that how you think all the time?” Levi asked, turning to face him, Erwin already looking at him.

“Think like what?”

“About connections and public relations and all that shit?”

“Most of the time, yes.”

“But you’re not even the Commander?”

“Keith wants me to be,” Erwin said. “He says soon, he’d like me to take on the role.”

“He’s gonna abdicate?”

Erwin nodded. “First time ever.”

“Congrats.”

Erwin laughed. “You don’t really think that, do you?”

“I wouldn’t want it.”

“It’s good you’re not getting it then, isn’t it?”

Levi snorted and turned away. For some reason, he was both relieved and not at the news. The fact that he spoke to everyone just for connections was a relief to Levi for a reason he couldn’t place, but the fact that he was going to be taking on such a demanding role was less pleasant to Levi’s heart. He couldn’t place why, all he knew was that it was making Levi dread the future.

“Why do you want it?” Levi asked after Erwin had changed and gotten into bed. Levi was still lying on top of the sheets but he could sleep anywhere, so it didn’t bother him. Even though he was still in his formal clothes, he could sleep easily.

It had been a few moments since the topic had ended, and Erwin didn’t answer straight away.

“I think we’re closer than ever to completing what we’re going to complete. I would happily take us through and reach our goals, and if Keith thinks I’m ready to do that, then I feel ready, too,” Erwin answered, voice soft as if he were ready to sleep.

“What is it we’re going to complete?”

“Smiting them all,” Erwin said. “Figuring out their secrets, living again. I don’t know, all of the above and more, I guess.”

“You don’t sound certain.”

Erwin laughed through his nose. “There’s a lot to accomplish. I don’t know which comes first is all.”

“Right.”

“You don’t agree?” Erwin asked.

“I’ve never really thought about it,” Levi asked. “I don’t think our goals are the same.”

“They aren’t?”

“I don’t know. I just want to kill them all because of… Well, because of Farlan and Isabel.”

“I would like them all gone as well,” Erwin said. “I don’t think it’s all that different.”

“You want to know their secrets, though.”

“You’re not curious?”

Levi shrugged, not sure what to say. He didn’t really give a shit about what they were, he just hated their very essence. Whatever they were, that was just them. He had just as many questions about mankind as he did about titans. He just wanted them dead. If they never figured them out, Levi would probably be okay with that.

“I don’t really care,” Levi said. “I just hate them.”

“If we know what they’re about, then I think it’ll be easier to get rid of them.”

“What if you find something out that you don’t like?” Levi asked.

“Like what?”

“I’m not sure, I just don’t think it’ll all be good news.”

“I think we’re doing okay so far,” Erwin said. “Whatever comes next, comes next. I think we’ll be ready to deal with it.”

“Mm,” Levi hummed, not sure what else to say.

“Goodnight, Levi,” Erwin said after a moment of pause.

“Mhm.”

Levi did not sleep right away, it was too difficult a task with Erwin right beside him, close enough that he could hear the change in his breathing when he eventually fell asleep. Whilst Erwin’s rhythm was a calm one that could easily send Levi to sleep, the thoughts and words of what Erwin had been saying to people were running through Levi’s head too furiously for him to hear it all that well.

Erwin might have said that it was all because he needed connections, but Levi couldn’t get them out of his head. Jealousy was not something Levi thought he had in his heart, but he clearly did. And it was more than a little prominent as he attempted to fall asleep.

The next morning, they left early, Levi not at all prepared to see anyone from the night before and Erwin seeming more than happy to return as well. Their carriage ride was entirely silent, and Levi knew it was down to him this time. Erwin had not changed at all, but Levi was not ready to talk to him knowing how jealous he had become when Erwin had said a few things and laughed a little differently. He was not ready to pretend that that was not the case, not yet.

Before Levi knew it, Shadis had promoted Erwin to become the Commander of the Survey Corps, the first ever to abdicate the position. Everyone was rejoiceful and happy, Erwin clearly proud of himself. And Levi was glad he had achieved what he wanted, but he knew he would not see Erwin as much. This was both a blessing and not because he wouldn’t see Erwin, so he could ignore his feelings, but he would miss him dearly too. Levi hated his current situation.

Being the Commander was not that fun, it seemed. Whilst Erwin got to make a lot of the decisions that he thought were right, it came with a lot more paperwork than seemed fair for someone who was all about fighting and trying to destroy titans.

There was paperwork about funds and donations, there was paperwork about missions, there was paperwork about the recruits and the Captains, there was paperwork about events, letters to other higher ups. There were a thousand things Erwin had to write down, and Levi didn’t know how he managed to do it all without wanting to jump out of a window.

Whenever Levi got called into his office, Levi felt a rush of nerves. He knew it was never anything that he might want it to be, but he got to see him again. With everything the Commander had to do, Levi blessed the world that he could see him again. His heart ached to be without him, and it felt full when his eyes were set on him.

He had been called there again, and Levi adjusted his straps and straightened out his shirt before he entered the office. If anyone saw him, they would think him a great fool, Levi was sure of that. But Levi couldn’t help it. He wanted Erwin to see him as pristine and proper, and when he was absent so often, he had little opportunity to demonstrate that.

“I know you hate the communal showers,” Erwin said as Levi entered his office, knowing it was him instantly as he was the only person who never knocked to enter. “If you’d like, you can use mine. It’s private, so it’s cleaner for you.”

“Is this why you wanted to become Commander? For the private shower?” Levi asked, joking lightly as he came a little closer to the desk.

Not seeing Erwin so often had made him feel his absence more than ever when he wouldn’t usually before. He wasn’t in the communal showers, he worked a lot on paperwork when people were eating, he travelled a lot. Levi did not get to see him as much as he did before, and it was painful.

“It’s exactly the reason,” Erwin said, absently as he read some more papers.

“Was that all?” Levi asked when he felt he had exceeded his worth in the room, a little saddened by the fact Erwin hadn’t looked at him yet.

“Uh,” Erwin hummed. He wasn’t focused at all. Levi wondered if maybe he had taken on some things he was not all that ready to handle. “Um. Sorry, what did you say?” Erwin looked up at him and Levi could see the dark circles under his eyes.

“I asked if you needed me for anything else.”

“Um, I don’t think so,” Erwin said.

Levi nodded and went to leave.

“Wait,” Erwin said and Levi did instantly, turning back to face Erwin. “I have to write this godforsaken letter to the King, I would like some help.”

“I’m not good with words,” Levi said, suddenly self-conscious.

“I don’t need help writing,” Erwin said. “Would you just stay and tell me if something sounds ridiculous?”

“Okay,” Levi said, nodding slowly.

Levi looked around the room and found a chair to sit in, waiting for Erwin to begin. Erwin said a lot of words that Levi wasn’t sure about, but he tried to listen. If he was honest, he didn’t know why Erwin would ask him to help because Levi didn’t know what sounded ridiculous and what didn’t when words like those were being used.

But he liked listening to Erwin speak, he liked listening to Erwin’s deep and soothing voice. As he listened to Erwin talk, using words he did not know, Levi felt himself drifting off, head sinking before he realised and woke himself up.

Erwin didn’t seem to notice, reading intently, and Levi tried to listen, but Erwin’s voice was too soothing and too relaxing for Levi to focus entirely, and he drifted off. Erwin’s voice sent himself softly into sleep, Levi sleeping much better than he had in a long time indeed.

When Levi woke up, it was dark outside. The chair he was in was not the most comfortable, but Levi had slept in a lot worse places. His body was stiff from the position he had fallen asleep in, his neck painful to move.

As he stretched his neck, Levi realised he had a blanket across his body. It was warm and Levi found himself comfortable in his position, though he was ultimately confused. He couldn’t remember what he was doing before he had fallen asleep, and there was no one else in the room to ask. Levi guessed it was very late from how dark the room and the sky was.

As Levi stretched, he pulled the blanket up, tucking his legs underneath him, ready to sleep there for the rest of the night. Breathing in deep, Levi caught a scent of the blanket and he brought it up to his nose and breathed it in again.

He knew what it was instantly; Erwin.

Something about it was familiar and warm to Levi, and he hugged it into himself, breathing it in and in and in. If Erwin found him like this in the morning, Levi knew he wouldn’t quite know how to explain himself, so he picked up the blanket and made his way back to his own quarters. He didn’t know why he took the blanket, though there was a part of him that guessed it was because it smelt of Erwin.

Levi curled up in bed, the blanket beside him. As he grew accustomed to its smell, Levi fell asleep again, Erwin comforting him a different way this time. Things were peaceful for a moment.

And then Erwin lost his arm. Things had grown far too hectic and Levi hadn’t been around and he barely even had time to think about his adoration for Erwin before he had heard that Erwin had lost his arm. It was far too much for Levi to contemplate. He had to keep reminding himself that at least he was alive. But he had come so close to death, and that was a horrifying thought.

It was far too much to really consider and Levi didn’t even know how to comprehend the idea that Erwin would have one less limb. This was their Commander. He was the one they all followed. There was this idea that he was out of harm’s way, that he was invincible. And this proved that wrong entirely.

When Levi first saw him, his stomach just about left his body. He was asleep, his face calm though his situation was quite the opposite. There was a part of him missing. A part of him was gone that had been there just a little while earlier. It was so difficult to comprehend, Levi didn’t even know where to begin. This was their invincible Erwin, who was not so invincible anymore.

Levi stood and watched him for a moment, his heart aching. He had to keep reminding himself that he was here, and he was alive, and he was safe. But it was terrifying, this idea that he could be taken apart so easily. That was not Erwin, that was not what he thought about him, and the reality was hitting him hard.

After he had watched him sleep peacefully for a few moments, Levi walked into the room and closed the door behind him, coming over to the bed Erwin was lying on and perching on the edge. Erwin was breathing so calmly, Levi could pretend nothing had happened for a moment, he could pretend Erwin was absolutely fine and that he was still the same Erwin. Maybe not that much had changed, maybe it wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but it _was_ a change. Change was scary.

Levi couldn’t help but brush the stray hairs across Erwin’s forehead, tucking them where they should rest. Just because he was injured, that didn’t mean he had to look dishevelled, not at all.

Erwin stirred lightly, his eyes flickering open, breathing irregulating. Levi wondered if he should move so as to not frighten Erwin, but he couldn’t move. He wanted to be there for Erwin as much as possible, and sitting there, beside him, that was how he thought he might do that for a moment.

When Erwin awoke properly, he looked at Levi with a furrowed brow before giving him a small smile.

Levi couldn’t smile back; his heart was aching too much.

“Good morning,” Erwin said, sighing deeply.

Levi nodded at him, chewing at his lip and darting his eyes away often because Erwin’s eyes were hurting his heart. There was a pain in them, a sort of sorrow Levi could not even imagine. Levi couldn’t even imagine how much pain he had been in, how much pain he was probably still feeling, and he wanted to help. It was just a lot to take in.

“How is everything?” Erwin asked, watching Levi, his shoulder moving as his arm probably hurt. Levi wanted to help, but he didn’t know how.

“It doesn’t matter,” Levi said. “You don’t need to worry.”

“Is it bad?” Erwin asked, worry coming across for a moment.

“Everything is as usual. You need to rest.”

“That’s what I’m doing.”

“Resting involves not worrying.”

Erwin looked at Levi, brow furrowed. Then he sighed again and closed his eyes.

Levi went to say something, went to do something that might help, but the door opened and the doctor came in. He started checking Erwin over, asking him questions and sitting him up. Levi felt he was out of place, and so he left, not knowing what else to say to comfort him.

He knew he should have stayed by his side often, and that he could have stayed by him over the next few days, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. There was an anger crawling up inside him that stemmed from fear, that stemmed from this innate worry that something could happen to Erwin. It had always been a possibility before, but Levi had never really thought it would happen. It was like this thing that was always there, but Levi never looked at it. And now this had happened and it was real. This possibility was real, and Erwin could die very easily. And Levi had never felt a fear like that before.

Erwin was their rock, he was _Levi’s_ rock for sure. With this crack in it, Levi was scared not only for himself, but for Erwin. Without Erwin, Levi would have close to nothing. He might have comrades now, he might have a chance for hope with Eren and the others, but Erwin was the main person who kept him sane. So many members of their team were dead or missing, they didn’t have a lot of safety or security or surety. Levi held every single one of them dear to his heart, Erwin was just a little dearer. Without him, Levi wasn’t sure what he would have left.

They were called to an emergency meeting for some reason or other and Erwin had to go. Levi never paid much attention as to why things were called, he just went because Erwin wanted him to and he would do anything for Erwin.

But this was the first one Erwin had to go to with his arm the way it was, and Levi knew that would be tough. It was tough for Levi, so he could only imagine how tough it was for him.

Levi went to his office beforehand as he was in need of a jacket that Erwin supplied. He didn’t knock as he entered, and he caught Erwin half-dressed, struggling to put on his clothes. He didn’t jump when Levi walked in, probably because he was so used to Levi just walking in, unannounced. As he looked at Levi, Levi could see a level of embarrassment in his eyes, and his heart panged.

“Do you want some help?” Levi asked as he watched Erwin struggle with putting the shirt on. His vest was on, but the rest of it was not. He had not changed out of his medical clothes since the doctor had helped him and so he hadn’t changed by himself yet. It was not an easy process.

Erwin sighed and nodded. “Please.”

Levi stepped forward and helped Erwin put the shirt upon his body before buttoning it up as well. He could feel the warmth from his body on his hands as he moved up Erwin’s chest to button them all bar the top one. His right sleeve dangled there uselessly and Levi stared at it, his heart aching.

Before Erwin could move away, Levi rolled the sleeve up and pinned it in place so that it would not get in the way. He took a step back and did not look Erwin in the eye.

“Thank you,” Erwin said, softly.

Levi nodded and waited for Erwin to move, but he didn’t.

“Levi?”

The tears stinging his eyes hurt and Levi blinked them away furiously, angered at both himself and Erwin.

“You could have died.” Levi chewed his lip, pulling layers of skin off, finally saying what he had not been able to before.

“I could have,” Erwin said. “But it’s all a part of the sacrifice we have to make-.”

“No,” Levi spat. “You don’t get to do that. You just don’t.”

“I don’t get to do what?”

“Die like that. You don’t. You don’t get to do that to me,” Levi said.

“Do that to you? Levi-.”

“No,” Levi said and he turned around and left the room. If he had stayed any longer, he would have cried in front of him. Levi did not want that embarrassment on his hands.

The thought of losing anyone always made Levi feel sick. People deserved to live. The mere idea that titans were humans, like Hanji had said, made Levi guiltier than ever. And the thought of having to sacrifice people to get where they needed to get was not something Levi ever wanted to consider.

And he particularly didn’t want to consider Erwin having to go. He had come so close, it made Levi’s heart cold and his entire being fearful. Levi knew what was happening to him, and the thought of losing Erwin was too much. He knew the field they were in, but the mere thought of Erwin dying because of that was not one Levi could even consider without wanting to burst into tears.

He tried to avoid him, but Erwin was the Commander and, when the Commander of the Survey Corps was set on something, it was near impossible to deter that from happening. Erwin found him pretty quickly a few hours after that encounter and stopped him from moving on by blocking his way completely.  

“Can I talk to you for a second?” Erwin asked.

Levi shrugged.

Erwin paused for a moment and Levi could see him working out what he should say in his head. Levi just waited. He wasn’t going to initiate anything.

“Is everything okay?” Erwin asked, and he waited a long time.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Levi avoided all eye contact.

“You’ve been a little odd, recently,” Erwin said, slowly. He waited for Levi to say something, but he didn’t. “You can talk to me, Levi. Whatever’s going on, if there’s anything you want to tell me or-.”

“What would I want to tell you?”

“I don’t know,” Erwin answered, honestly. “We need you at your best, one hundred percent of the time, and I’m here to help you if you’re struggling with something.”

“What do you think I’m struggling with?” Levi asked, and he could feel the anger bubbling in his chest, though he wasn’t sure why or where it was coming from or who it was aimed at.

“I don’t know, that’s why I asked.”

There was silence between them then, Erwin waiting for Levi’s answer and Levi not knowing what to say. He sort of knew what was going on, he sort of knew the feelings he had for Erwin, but they weren’t anything he could say. This was the Commander of the Survey Corps in front of him, and, whilst Levi didn’t care about hierarchy or status, it wasn’t something he could manoeuvre with him. Either of them could die any day they went outside, and that would cause more heartache than Levi could do with in his life. He’d already had so much, he couldn’t deal with anymore.

Levi shrugged. “I’m fine.”

“I don’t believe you,” Erwin said, and there was a weight to his tone.

“That’s on you,” Levi said, and glared up at Erwin for a moment before looking away again.

“Please, tell me.”

“There’s nothing to say,” Levi said.

Erwin sighed and Levi’s heart ached. He hated doing anything to Erwin that resembled disappointing him.

Erwin moved out of Levi’s way and Levi didn’t hesitate in continuing to walk away, as far away from Erwin as he could go. He went outside HQ and into the forest where some of the recruits were training. Levi collapsed against a tree and smacked his head back into the bark. He sighed deep, tears stinging at his eyes.

This was one of the worst feelings Levi knew. To have Erwin there, asking him directly what was going on, and to not be able to answer him was making his heart split into halves.

All Levi wanted to do was tell him, to let him know that he was falling in love with him, but he couldn’t. The words wouldn’t leave his mouth if he tried to force them, and he hated himself for it. There was a minute chance Erwin would return the feelings, but that uncertainty coupled with the fact that their lives were hell made Levi know he could never tell him. He just couldn’t. And he hated himself.

The fact he had to help Erwin out for the next few weeks as he adjusted to life with one arm did not help anything. Erwin was looking at him differently every time they saw each other, and Levi had to ignore that. There was always a part of him, every time they saw each other, where Levi thought he might say something. But he didn’t, purely because he couldn’t. He just physically couldn’t. Erwin was there, in front of him, being helped, and Levi could never say anything about how deeply he had fallen for him.

For the first week or so, Levi had to help Erwin roll up his sleeve when he wanted it to be rolled up, he had to help button up his shirt, he had to help with his straps. It was so intimate that Levi thought they were practically together already. But they weren’t. Levi had touched his chest so many times now he had lost count, he had brushed along his thighs so often that Levi’s fingers could feel the muscle even when they weren’t there. Levi had learnt his clothed body and all he wanted was for that body to be his. And it wasn’t.

As Erwin’s independence grew, Levi wished it wouldn’t. They had grown a lot closer and Levi wanted to continue having that intimacy with him. But Erwin could button up his own shirts and had learned to strap his own body and Levi could only watch and yearn.

And then things got worse and worse and worse, and any time he might have wanted to confess that he had fallen in love with Erwin Smith was taken away from him. There was mission after mission after mission, and fight after fight after fight. The more intimate moments in their relationship had gone far away and Levi wished more than ever for them to return.

There was one moment, one time he could have said something, but Erwin was too set on his goals for Levi to say anything. When they were talking before that damned fight to see that damned basement, Levi could have said something. He felt like he technically had, by telling him he’d break his legs to keep him safe, but Erwin had said he would go no matter what and Levi knew there was no point in stopping him.

He hadn’t said the words, but he felt that what he had said was enough. Enough to let Erwin know how in love with him he was and how safe he needed Erwin to stay, but Erwin either did not get the hint or he was too set on the mission to really hear what Levi was saying. And it broke Levi’s heart.

Then they were out on the battlefield and there was no way most of them were going to survive. Levi had his own goals to focus on, but he always kept an eye out for Erwin when he could. At the beginning, he could spot him, and they spoke a little, but then Levi had to go elsewhere and he could not see Erwin like he wanted to. He knew in his heart that things were not going to end well, but he hoped. He hoped with all his heart.

And then they met up again and Levi thought that this might be his last chance to tell Erwin, to let him know that he adored him and that he loved him and that he cherished him above all else. Lives were ending all around them, and this was Levi’s last chance.

And yet the moment never came. Erwin was talking about sacrificing himself because that was the only way to defeat the Beast Titan, and Levi was taken aback so much that he didn’t know what to think. This was his Erwin and he was not going to let Erwin die, he couldn’t.

But Erwin’s speech was so passionate and there was so much devotion to the cause that Levi couldn’t ignore it. Levi knew that, if Erwin went out there, leading them, he would die and this would be their last moment together. And he so wanted Erwin to live, but he knew Erwin’s devotion to the cause was like no other, and Levi wanted him to be happy, and if sacrificing himself was the way he became happy, then Levi would help.

The only reason he was okay with that was because he thought he was going to die too. The Beast Titan would kill him surely, and Levi was okay with that. If Erwin was going to die, Levi saw no reason to carry on living.

Things got hectic and Levi lost sight of Erwin as he tried to beat the fucker that had destroyed everything. Armin was brought to them and Levi wanted to keep his serum in case Erwin was in a decent state, on the absolute off chance that he wasn’t dead, but Armin was dying and Levi could save him, so he would.

But there was a glimmer of hope as Erwin was brought to them, still breathing, still alive. There was no question in Levi’s mind about who he was going to save. Armin may be younger, but this was Erwin. He was the Commander, he was the future more than Armin was, for Levi at least. There was nothing that was going to stop Levi from saving Erwin’s life, even if he had to kill Mikasa and Eren to get there, he would.

They gave up, however, and Levi went to Erwin, ready to save him, ready to let him eat Bertholdt and be alive again. Levi couldn’t imagine a world without Erwin Smith, and he wasn’t about to.

Levi brought Erwin’s hand to his chest and was ready to save him, but Erwin moved his arm out of the way and Levi’s heart dropped out of his chest. He wanted to scream at him, he wanted to force him to keep his arm still. But Erwin’s mind was set.  

“Teacher… regarding what supposedly doesn’t exist… how do I investigate and prove otherwise?” Erwin’s voice was weak and Levi stared at him, waiting for him to give his arm back.

“Erwin?” Levi asked, his heart stopped, his voice shaky.

There was a panic in his heart as he knew what he had to do. He was numb as he helped Armin, as he saved the boy instead of the man he loved. Then he returned to Erwin because there was still a part of him that thought he would survive. There just wasn’t any part of Levi that could imagine a life where Erwin wasn’t in it. No world existed where Erwin wasn’t there.

Flocke asked him why he chose Erwin, and Levi ran some speech about trying to save the view that people thought of Erwin. People thought him a devil, they thought him evil for sacrificing so many, but he wasn’t. Erwin just knew what had to be done. Even though Levi disagreed with him most of the time, he thought he was a good man, that there was no evil in his heart. Levi knew that in his core, and he wished other people would remember him in fondness rather than the devil they thought him to be most of the time.

Levi couldn’t help but look at him, at how the life drained from his eyes and his body and his soul. Levi had to see him as alive, but he was struggling.

“But we must… let him have a good rest,” Levi said, heart heavy and aching in more places than he knew. “Erwin, even though I promised you that I would get rid of the Beast Titan… It looks like there will be a delay.” That was all Levi could think to say, of how he had failed him. Again.

“He has already left us,” Hanji said, slowly.

“I see,” was all Levi could manage. His heart shattering.

There was nothing in his heart but pain now. Any light that might have been there because Erwin was alive was gone. Everything ached. Everything was numb. Everything was pain. All Levi wanted to do was break down and give up. He wanted to run down and sacrifice himself to the titans because there was no world for Levi where Erwin did not exist. But he could not move, his limbs would not work.

Levi hated his very existence. He had had all the time in the world to tell Erwin he loved him, he had had ample opportunity to express how much he loved him and how much he had fallen for him, and he hadn’t said a word. He was such a fool.

He continued with the rest of them, finding the basement, kicking the door down in complete numbness. As they reached the only thing Erwin had ever wanted to see, Levi could not help but feel that there was such a large part of them missing. There was so much loss they had just dealt with, but Levi was feeling Erwin’s the most. Erwin deserved to see what they had accomplished, and he had not.

As they brought his body down to the basement, Levi could feel his eyes sting, his body aching. He had found flowers and put them beside his bedside table, not knowing what else to do. He needed something like that, something to commemorate the best man he had known, and the flowers were all he could find. Erwin would probably thank him for them, tell him they were a lovely gesture, and Levi would feel like an even greater fool, but at least he did something for him.

People were fussing about the basement, trying to find anything else they might before they left. Levi remained still, standing beside Erwin where they had laid him to rest, and he watched on. The world seemed redundant to Levi now. There was nothing else for Levi to do, nothing else for anyone to do in Levi’s eye. Levi had lost the man he cherished, there was nothing else for him in the world.

“Can I have a moment alone with him?” Levi asked of everyone, not even knowing if they were still in the room, and they left quietly.

The room was eerily silent.

There had been such chaos before and to have this moment, this moment of silence with the man he had fallen in love with, it seemed unreal. So much of Levi wished this was a dream, that this was not real and some nightmare he had conjured up. But it was not. Levi could feel in his heart that this was real and there was no escaping that.

Levi pulled up a chair beside Erwin and sat in it, heavy, the weight of the world resting fully on his shoulders.

There was a moment of pause where Levi didn’t know what to do or what to think, and then it hit him suddenly and he burst into tears.

The tears he had been holding back for years poured out of him, rolling down his face and falling into his lap. He didn’t even bother wiping them away, he buried his face in his hands and the tears pooled down his palms and wrists, coming to rest wherever they may. Levi paid no attention, all he felt was pain.

His Erwin was gone from the world. He would not long partake, and Levi didn’t know what to do with that. How could Erwin be gone? How was that the reality they lived in?

The world lost its light, light that had only come into it with Erwin after his best friends had perished. That light would not be replaced, not with Erwin gone as well.

“I don’t think I can do this, Erwin,” Levi said through harsh sobs. “I don’t know how to do this.”

Breathing was near impossible, the streaks down Levi’s face long and prominent. Everything was sorrow, nothing was good.

“I don’t know how to do this,” Levi repeated. “Everything’s already so hard. What do I do when you’re not here? How do I do this, Erwin?”

Levi’s eyes were so blurry he could barely see his hands in front of him even though they were right there.

“I’m sorry, Erwin. I’m sorry I didn’t… I’m just sorry.” Levi’s heart split again. “I wish I had told you everything when I knew. I don't know why I didn't. I was just confused, and I think I ruined everything.”

Levi sighed deep, shaky and useless.

“I’m really scared, Erwin. I don’t know how to function anymore, I don’t know how to act. I’m really scared that I’m going to forget you, Erwin. I don’t want to forget you. I don’t want to lose you. You deserved to be here. Why aren't you here? Why? Why did you go? Why did you leave me?”

He paused. He didn’t know what he should say. He didn’t know what would make him feel better. He wanted to say something for Erwin, but he knew it was for himself really, to reassure himself. Because, now that Erwin was gone, he didn’t know what he had left.

“I miss you already,” Levi sniffled. “Please come back. Please. Please, Erwin.” Maybe if he begged enough, things could change, though he knew that was not how the world worked. Nothing in this world would bring Erwin back, and now Levi was alone. Clearly, he had done so much wrong in his life that he deserved this, but it didn’t stop it from hurting.

Levi sobbed loud and caught his breath as best as he could. He looked at Erwin and more tears rolled down his cheeks.

“I love you, Erwin Smith.”

All he had needed was another soul to cling to, and now that soul was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what basically happened was that I started writing this and I was going to end it all happy and shit, and then I realised, damn, Erwin has to die. But then I was like, wait, why not have two endings? Who would stop me from doing that? No one, is the answer. So, everything in here is exactly the same as the last chapter except for the ending. If you don’t want to read the entire thing again because like, it’s the exact same as the last chapter, just control+f or search for “Levi curled up in bed” and everything from that paragraph on is different. If this feels like a cop out, it kind of is. But like, hey, the canon hurts us all real bad as it is, why does fanfic always have to hurt too? It doesn’t, not really. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, enjoy this chapter that has much less Erwin death, which is what we all love x

> “How we need another soul to cling to, another body to keep us warm. To rest and trust; to give your soul in confidence: I need this, I need someone to pour myself into.”  
>  ― Sylvia Plath, _The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath_

Levi liked structure and regularity. Things needed to stay the same, things were not allowed to change. If Levi knew what was going on, he was content. That was, perhaps, the only real time that he _was_ content.

The Survey Corps had been a big change to his regularity and then, without the only two people who brought any sort of structure to his life, Levi found it even more difficult to adjust. They did things entirely different to what Levi was used to. Levi wasn’t sure where his place was with these new people, he didn’t know where he fit in. He wasn’t exactly a part of them because he was merely “lending his skill” to the Corps as Erwin had asked, he wasn’t rising through the ranks like a normal soldier, so he wasn’t sure what his place was amongst them.

He had become a recluse after his best friends had gone, but he had engaged with the Corps after that, after he had gotten used to it as best as he could at the time. It was still a lot to grow accustom to, but he was getting there. It would take time, but he would get there, hopefully.

Training like the Corps did was not something he was used to, not with so many people around as well. It made Levi stick to the outskirts and try to avoid doing as much as possible before he could run back inside and return to something not as stressful.

After a rather strenuous bout of training that was made harder by those that just couldn’t grasp certain concepts with the gear, Levi walked into the communal bathroom as fast as he could, not needing to shower as he hadn’t done all that much, and always wishing desperately to have his own. The state these ones were in was just unthinkable and Levi loathed going in there. Unfortunately, there weren’t any other ones that were better. This was the best of a bad bunch.

Considering it was just after training, there were a lot of people already in there, showering and cleaning. The room was steamy, everyone using the hot water to the extreme. It came at such few points during the day that, when the hot water was available, it was used up the very second it came on. Levi always showered when no one else was in the room, not because he was embarrassed of his body, but because, alone, the hot water was free for him and him alone to use.

The sound of running water was pleasant to Levi’s ears, the idea of cleanliness filling the room a perfect one to Levi. He went straight to the sinks, washing his hands of any lick of dirt that may have gotten on him whilst he was working.

In the mirror, he could work out the back of that blonde mop that sat on Erwin’s head. Erwin was too tall for the doors and it was comical to Levi. Levi, quite the contrast to Erwin, was hidden completely by the door. It was a blessing to Levi for he hated being seen when he was showering. It was an intimate experience for him, and he felt dirty if someone could see him.

The water in Erwin’s block was shut off and Levi watched him for a moment as he moved about, doing whatever it was that he was doing, out of sight. When he felt he had been watching him too long, Levi turned and dried his hands and went to leave, just as Erwin left the stall.

Levi stopped instantly, distracted by Erwin’s glistening chest and stomach. Water ran over his body, from his defined collarbone, over his chest and down his muscles, coming to rest at the towel that hugged his hips, tight. His olive skin practically shimmered from the lights in the room and the droplets across his body. It made Levi swallow, his eyes entranced at the sight, his body frozen to the spot.

Erwin had also stopped and Levi couldn’t figure out why. He couldn’t move his eyes from his naked chest to look at his face to work out why he wasn’t moving anymore. All Levi could do was stare and swallow.

“Levi?” Erwin said, emphasising that he had probably said it a few times before Levi finally twigged.

His eyes snapped up to meet Erwin’s gaze, his thick brows creased as he looked at Levi.

“What?” Levi practically snarled.

“Everything okay?” Erwin asked, watching Levi carefully, fearful that he might scare him off.

Levi rolled his eyes and tried to play it off as though nothing was wrong whatsoever, as if Erwin was the one who had done something stupid, turning on his heel and hurtling through the door so that it slammed shut behind him, leaving a confused and slightly amused Erwin watching after him. It was too much to deal with and Levi didn’t know why Erwin’s chest was so enchanting to him. He had seen many a male chest before, Erwin’s wasn’t any different. Sure, it was broad, and muscled, and he had beautiful and light blonde hairs going down his body, towards his happy trail and disappearing beneath the towel, and his olive skin was gorgeous, and he had some scars that made him intriguing, and… Levi had lost his train of thought.

Levi didn’t care to be thinking about that, not at all. He needed to focus on other things, things like… Levi couldn’t exactly think about what else he needed to think about, but he was sure there was something. There had to be something other than Erwin’s chest that was important to him.

Levi was assigned cleaning duties for the rest of the day, and he couldn’t have been happier about that. Not only could he avoid everyone, he could do something he actually enjoyed. Every time someone tried to come into the room he was cleaning, he sent them away instantly, needing to be alone. This was his happy place, which he knew was a little on the sad side, but what made people happy made people happy and no one should really dispute that. Levi liked to clean, and he liked to clean alone, and that was exactly what he was going to do.

Breakfast was earlier than usual the next day because the new recruits needed something and that meant everyone else had to suffer for them, and Levi rolled out of his bed, yawned, and changed into better clothing. Whilst he was not outright a fan of the uniform, he liked it when it was in pristine condition, as was the case with everything in his life. He also liked the regularity that uniform brought, and regularity was key to Levi and his happiness.

He was invited to sit with Hanji and the others, Hanji jabbering excitedly about something they had found out and, whilst Levi didn’t rightly think he deserved to sit with them, trying to say no to Hanji was near impossible. Once he got his tray of dog’s dinner-like bullshit, he sat next to Mike which, somehow, was opposite Erwin. As Erwin was getting far too much in his thoughts recently, Levi didn’t quite like the idea of sitting opposite him.

The lot of them were already talking when Levi sat down, so Levi didn’t feel the need to say anything once he joined them.

“Shadis is going to choose you,” Hanji said, eating with their mouth open, which was disgusting and made Levi look down at the brown lumps in his food.

“That’s implying he’s going to die soon,” Erwin said. “And I don’t think that’s something we should imply about our Commander.”

“He could abdicate,” Mike said.

“Unlikely,” Erwin said. “No one’s ever done that.”

Levi pushed the lumps around with his fork. The food in Underground somehow managed to look more appealing than what got lumped on their plates in the mess hall. But Levi had learned to ignore what food looked like and eat. He had never known when the next meal was coming before and, for the most part, that applied here as well.

It tasted about as good as it looked, however.

“There are many other good candidates,” Erwin continued.

“But you’re one of them,” Hanji almost yelled, spit spraying everywhere.

Erwin laughed and Levi’s stomach did a flip. He put it down to the lumps he had just swallowed but he could not say anything for sure. Looking up at Erwin who still had a smile on his lips, Levi again felt as entranced as he had done when he had seen Erwin walk out of the shower.

His face lit up when he smiled, his eyes bright and shining. There were lines at the corners of his eyes that made him look handsome and pleasant to the eye. Even his smile was perfect, his thick lips turned up lightly. Levi’s stomach did another flip.

They made eye contact and Erwin’s smile slowly faded, watching Levi with curiosity strong in his gaze.

“Everything okay?” Erwin asked, furrowing his brow when Levi swallowed thickly.

“Yeah,” Levi forced his gaze away and down towards his food, his stomach not all that willing to eat anymore.

The others were looking at Levi as well and Levi did not like being watched. After he stood, he took his tray and went to leave, not wanting to be by their side anymore.

“You’ve barely eaten anything,” Hanji said, concerned.

“Not hungry,” Levi answered, simply and shortly, turning his back on them all and throwing away the shit that was on his plate despite his stomach rumbling.

Shaking his head of the thoughts, Levi left the room and went straight back to his bed.

He wasn’t tired, he just wanted to get away. Erwin was much too confusing to him and Levi was not a fan of confusing things. Levi liked to know exactly what was going on at all times. Anything that was odd to Levi, he would like that gone, out of his life, for good.

As most left him alone for the majority of the day, Levi painstakingly cleaned every inch of his quarters. It was spick and span anyway, that was the way Levi always kept it, but he cleaned when he was idle. Well, he cleaned when he wasn’t idle as well, but it was good for his thoughts, letting them simmer and calm.

Nobody came to see him for the rest of the day, and Levi kept himself to himself. They were going on some expedition sometime soon, but Levi didn’t need training for that. It wasn’t arrogance that made him think like that, it was just fact. Levi didn’t need training because his skill set was higher than the others’. Erwin had asked him to lend his skill to the Corps, and so he had. He didn’t need training like the others, not when he was more advanced than most of them anyway.

Levi awoke the next morning to find that he had fallen asleep in the chair next to the window, the morning sun blindingly bright. He hadn’t gotten used to seeing the sun, particularly not in the morning. When he was younger, he had often dreamt of waking up and being above ground. For that reason, he never trusted seeing the sun in the morning until he truly knew he was awake.

He stood and stretched, readjusting his clothes and straps. There was a note, he noticed, that had been slid underneath his door and he picked it up. It was in Hanji’s awful scrawl, saying something about being required out on the grounds. Levi sighed and left, hoping it wouldn’t take too long.

Most of them were already out there, perfecting their use of the gear. Levi was not required to go to these particular sessions given his skill level, but Shadis had asked him to demonstrate sometimes. Levi had first told him where he could shove that request, but Erwin had asked him after that, and Levi found that he had trouble saying no to Erwin.

Most of them were delinquents with the gear. Either they couldn’t use blades at the same time or they had trouble securing to objects and keeping their balance. Levi thought it was a miracle they got into the Corps at all. Patience was not Levi’s strong point, which was why he just demonstrated and the others taught.

Erwin had landed on the ground near Levi, teaching one of the newbies how to use as little gas as possible. Since Levi was the kind who never thought about the gas use, Erwin thought it best for himself to teach that part. Again, Levi demonstrated, the others taught.

Erwin walked towards Levi, stretching his neck as he went. When he stood right beside him, he stretched his entire body, his shirt untucking as he stretched his arms in the air and moved side to side. Sometimes training could take it out of a person, and stretching was a necessity. Levi just wished to whoever might be listening that Erwin wouldn’t stretch right in front of him.

Parts of his stomach were revealed to Levi and, despite it being completely dry this time, Levi had just as much trouble looking away. His mouth dried up and swallowing became a difficult task. He attempted to draw his eyes away, but he struggled entirely, his fists clenching as Erwin made a strangled noise in his throat.

Levi closed his eyes and sighed deep, forcing his head away, though it took a lot of effort. When he opened his eyes, Erwin was looking at him, tucking his shirt in, curiosity set in his eyes again.

“Everything okay?” Erwin asked.

“Stop asking me that,” Levi said, forcing his gaze away from Erwin again.

“Then you should tell me what’s the matter,” Erwin said, his gaze heavy on Levi’s lips.

“Nothing,” Levi lied. Even if he knew what the matter was, he probably wouldn’t tell Erwin. The main problem was that he didn’t know _what_ the matter was.

There was a long pause that hung between them, and Levi looked at Erwin, wondering why he wasn’t talking. He was still watching Levi, the hairs on his body rising because of it, but he wouldn’t talk unless Erwin said something again. Levi was the king of staring until someone else looked away. Erwin was a decent competitor, but he gave up before Levi did.

“Levi!” Hanji called, waving frantically from a little way away. “We need you over here!”

Levi nodded and left, glad to be away from Erwin and that damn body of his. Levi knew he was attracted to the male form, particularly men that were taller than him. Erwin was a lot taller than him and he had a good body. Levi was probably attracted to that part of him, and he had to get that out of his head. Levi could not be distracted when he had things he needed to accomplish. No person could distract him from that, he wouldn’t let them.

Thankfully, he did not see Erwin for the next couple of days. Erwin often got called along with Shadis and the others to go the Capital to see important people who could help them in some way. It left Levi and the others to get on with things.

Whilst Levi would not consider them friends because he didn’t really know what friendship consisted of when his previous friendships were based on illegal activity in Underground, the people who he would deem closest to that were the ones that got called away. Levi, again, was not a ranked soldier at this point because he was lending his skill to the cause, and that was the reason he wasn’t allowed to go with them into the towns. They all said he had the ability to be highly ranked, but Levi wasn’t sure about it yet. The only reason he was considering it was because he was left alone when they all went away. He hadn’t been alone like that in over a decade. Loneliness was not something he wanted to endure again.

The days passed slowly, and Levi put that down to the fact he did not speak to anyone other than Hanji and Mike and Erwin and… There wasn’t really anyone else. And those people were all gone. It was rather depressing.

He did not spend time with any of the others in and around their HQ. He remained in his room the entire time unless he was eating or showering. There wasn’t much else to do, he just had to wait.

It got a little much by the fourth day, so he went practising on the gear to clear his mind. Even cleaning had been excessed too far and Levi couldn’t focus on any of that. This was an intense boredom that Levi had not felt before. At least there were always fights in Underground that Levi could observe. When everyone was waiting on a mission and for the others to return, nothing good was happening and Levi decided that soaring through the trees was the only thing to do.

He wasn’t meant to be using up the gas, it was a resource that, once gone, was certainly gone. But there was literally nothing else to do. When Levi had envisioned escaping Underground, this was not the kind of thing he imagined he would be suffering from; boredom. It was worse than any other fate for him. He almost wanted the Underground. It wasn’t much, it wasn’t like he wanted to be back there, but things did make more sense down there.

You fought for what you wanted, and you got what you fought for. Levi didn’t necessarily understand what people did up here. They had all this freedom, sure, stuck in walls, but a lot more than what Underground got. And Levi felt an immense sense of guilt for feeling bored when he was above it. Things did make more sense down there than they did up here, that’s what Levi knew for sure.

Erwin wasn’t down there, that was the one thing that confused him the most up above ground. Levi couldn’t even put his finger on why he was so baffled by him, but he was. Levi wanted to figure it out, but that meant spending time with him, and Levi wasn’t sure if that was a good thing at this point.

Again, Erwin was baffling to Levi, and he both wanted to know why and not at exactly the same time.

But they did return, after five days of being gone. As it was a lot longer than they should have been there, that either meant things had gone well or very badly. When he heard they were coming back, Levi had waited for them just a way away, to watch them come back in their carriages. Four carriages arrived and Levi waited for them, watching them intently.

Erwin got out of the third one and Levi’s heart stopped in his chest, a warmth spreading through him. Levi put that down to the fact they were all relatively happy and that relieved Levi, not to anything else. He wouldn’t even know what else to put that down to if he tried.

Levi did not immediately go over to them as some of the others did, he waited and watched some more. Although he had been waiting for them for five days, he suddenly felt like going over to them would be desperate. Levi didn’t like to be desperate, he didn’t like to appear clingy. He was in fact very clingy, but that was not something he showed to people.

Instead of going towards them, Levi went through a door and waited inside. He leant against the wall and pressed his head back, sighing. He didn’t know what was happening, but he wasn’t a fan.

They came through the door before he could think much else and Levi looked at them. He crossed his arms as they approached, talking to everyone else about their travels. Some of them smiled at Levi, and Erwin was one of them. Levi’s heart just about stopped in his chest again, hairs rising across his body.

He stopped walking with the rest of them and approached Levi, Levi remaining exactly where he was, nerves prominent in his stomach.

“Hello,” Erwin greeted, stopping beside Levi as the others continued down the hall.

“Hey,” Levi replied, pretending to not give a shit about anything at all, though he had missed his company dearly.

“Things went well,” Erwin said. “We have permission to continue.”

“I don’t even know what we were continuing with,” Levi said, attempting to be casual.

“Of course you don’t,” Erwin said, shaking his head at himself. “I forget you don’t sit in with us most of the time. You really should. You deserve it.”

“Deserve what?”

“To sit in on the meetings.”

“Shadis hates me,” Levi said.

“And you hate him too,” Erwin said, laughing lightly. “It’ll work perfectly.”

“Do I have to do anything?” Levi asked after a pause, a little curious about what it was like to genuinely be a part of the team. It wasn’t that Levi _wasn’t_ a part of the team, he just wasn’t _officially_. And being official probably did change some things, Levi just didn’t know what exactly.

“No,” Erwin said. “’Nothing whatsoever.”

“Okay.”

“Good. I’ll let Shadis know.”

Levi nodded and Erwin smiled. There was another pause and Levi could feel Erwin watching him, so he cleared his throat and pushed himself off the wall. He walked down the hall and Erwin accompanied him. He didn’t know where he was walking to, he just didn’t want to be watched so much by Erwin. It made his hairs stand up.

“So, what is the mission?” Levi asked to get rid of the silence that was comfortable but it left room to think. Levi didn’t want to think.

“It’s purely a scouting one,” Erwin said. “We don’t want to engage with the titans at all, if possible. We’ll be going out as one big group to scout outside, staying together and moving along the wall. It’s a few days’ worth of a mission, we’re hoping to figure some things out.”

“What things?” Levi asked.

“Hanji knows. I don’t tend to ask them questions. They explain it a lot better than I can.”

Levi nodded. “When are we going?”

“Within the week.”

“That’s fucking soon.”

“We’re hoping to avoid all contact with titans, so there shouldn’t be too much preparation.”

“We always see titans.”

“Well, that’s why we’re bringing you.” Erwin smiled.

Levi scoffed, but felt a warmth blossom through his chest at the praise.

They didn’t prepare all that much, they just informed everyone of what they would be doing, and then they were doing it. Levi practised on his horse more than with the gear. Horses were something he picked up easily, but his first encounter with horses after coming out of Underground had not been a pleasant one, Isabel and Farlan having found that hilarious, Levi having been left scarred for a little while.

People had gathered when they left the Wall, Levi ignoring them all to the best of his ability. They either hated the Corps, or they loved them, there was no in between. Levi didn’t care for either. Until they had experienced what the Corps had experienced, they were not allowed an opinion in his eye.

They rode out fast, trying to cover the distance as quickly as possible. Whilst it was a possible week-long mission, scouting the area before that time was up would have been much more preferable. Just because they said they didn’t want to encounter any titans didn’t mean they wouldn’t. They always had to be on the lookout, no matter where they were or what they were doing.

For the first hour or so, there were no titans and they carried on their course. There was some splitting up of the group so that the area could be scouted quicker but, for the most part, they stayed together. It was safer for that reason.

One of the groups from the right came back saying they had spotted titans on the horizon from the east, so they diverted their course to avoid them at all costs. That was what they continued to do every time anything was spotted in any direction. It meant they went in zigzags across the land, but it was safe. Not all of the recruits had seen a titan yet, so not all of them would be that prepared for their first time. Being so far from the Walls meant that any sort of danger was amplified intensely, and the newer recruits didn’t deserve that.

Levi rode near the front with Erwin and Shadis and the others. There was a lot of free ground around them, a lot of trees covering most of it. Occasionally, there was a town on the horizon, some houses or something, and Levi wondered what it might have been like to live out here, in the middle of nowhere. If one could ignore the dangers and avoid the titans, it might be nice. Of course, it wouldn’t be great until the titans were smote, but one day it would be. They had to accomplish their goal eventually.

As the horses grew tired, they all stopped to rest. There were some abandoned buildings they hauled up in, getting under the safety of a roof to eat a little. Levi wasn’t sure what the exact plan was, but he never was really. He just followed Erwin’s lead and made sure as few people died as possible. The same applied here.

It became a little relentless after that; they rode until the horses tired, stopped, ate, went again. They repeated that cycle constantly for four days. Levi wondered when they might run out of food, when people might get fed up. But they didn’t. Sleeping wasn’t the most fun; there was no safety to be guaranteed whatsoever, but Levi was used to that. It was the others that weren’t. Levi probably slept the soundest out of them all because of his past, so at least he had that over them.

On the fifth day, the land became less even, hills covering everything behind and before them. It made them all wary, not much security when everything was hills and bumps and anything could come over them at any second, so they slowed their pace.

They would be turning back tomorrow, everything almost accomplished according to the majority of them. Levi hadn’t really listened, he had just absorbed the world around him, following the lead of those in front of him.

The sound of running water hit Levi before everyone else. Levi had so little heard something as pure as running water that even the slightest hint of water and Levi could hear and know exactly where it was. As he didn’t think it was that important, he didn’t mention it, but then Mike said something to Shadis and they changed course to go towards it. Levi was more than a little glad. Everyone fucking stank and Levi would love to get clean.

They found the source; a waterfall with a lake expanding beneath it. As it had been safe for the most part, people decided they could take a break and wash for a moment. As long as they had some people on watch who weren’t washing, they would be okay.

Most of them started stripping completely, but Levi just took off his shirt and rolled up his trousers after removing his boots. Waterfalls were cold, and that was all Levi knew about them. This was the first one he had seen and there was a lot of weight in the water that splashed down onto the pools below. And Levi neither wanted to be cold or crushed underneath the flow of water.

That did not stop the others, them stripping until they were buck naked. Levi waded into the water and cupped some into his hands and ran it over his body. It meant his trousers did get a little wet, but he was not going to get caught naked in the middle of nowhere like the others were.

When he was done, knowing he was a clean person overall and not needing that much washing, Levi dressed and sat by a tree to wait for the others. He felt healthier for it, cleaner and better. The wilderness was not somewhere for Levi, who loved being clean, to be.

From where he was sat, he saw Erwin taking off his clothes, having first been on watch for the others. He knew it was perverted as hell for him to watch someone shower, but his eyes were drawn to him. He stripped completely, his olive skin shimmering underneath the hot afternoon sun. There were lines and indents, many coming from the straps of his uniform that made his body all angles and shadows, Levi’s heart lurching at the sight. Swallowing was no easy feat again as he watched Erwin walk over to the stream of water and stand beneath it.

There were parts of it that were not as heavy as the others and Erwin chose one towards the side, closer to Levi. Levi started chewing his lip, eyes stuck on his body as the water began to run down him.

Whilst it was a little difficult to ignore the size of cock, Levi was more intrigued about the innate beauty his overall body held. He had thick and strong thighs, prominent hip bones, the best ass Levi had ever seen, beautiful blonde hairs covering his body. Whilst most of that seemed innately sexual, Levi regarded him more as beautiful than anything else. Everything about him screamed that he was a strong and confident man, and Levi was drawn to that about him.

The water ran fiercely down his body, and, although he was surely cold, he didn’t show it. He ran his hands through his hair and over his body, and Levi’s mouth dried completely, his heart hammering hard in his chest.

Not wanting to get caught staring, Levi turned his head away and looked up at the sky through the trees. There was no part of Levi that took advantage of that view, of the sky being visible. So many people took that for granted, and Levi could never do that. Not ever.

Even though there were clouds, even though some of them were grey, it was perfect to Levi. To have that much freedom, to know that there was more to the world than the land in front of them, it filled Levi’s chest completely, making it swell. When he could watch the birds in the sky, he knew that there were endless possibilities out there. Maybe not right at this moment, but there were. The world was huge, the sky evermore so, and Levi couldn’t help but be enchanted by the view, no matter if it was cloudy or raining, though rain still triggered difficult memories for him.

Levi had been so entranced by the sky that he hadn’t seen Erwin coming over, and he jumped when Erwin sat beside him. Erwin laughed through his nose when he saw him jump.

Erwin was still half naked and Levi was struggling to not look at him. He had his trousers on, but not his boots, not his shirt or jacket or straps. And his hair was wet, dripping down his still soaking back and chest. Levi had trouble swallowing again, his throat suddenly too thick for the act.

“The water is freezing,” Erwin said, picking up a cloth he had in his pack and running it over him to soak up as much of the water as possible. Levi had a difficult time trying to not look at him as he wiped at his biceps and then down to his stomach.

“It is a waterfall,” Levi said, mouth dry.

“You’re not wrong,” Erwin said, wringing out the cloth once he was done and standing to hang it up on a branch.

Levi watched him stretch up, watched him as his spine straightened and his ass stuck out. There were patches of water seeping through the fabric of his trousers and Levi tried to look anywhere but Erwin’s body and his legs. His muscles flexed as he moved around and it made Levi’s stomach do flip after flip. Levi was perhaps coming to understand what was going on, but he was going to ignore it at all costs.

Erwin sat down again next to Levi and started to pull his boots on.

“Are we still turning back tomorrow?” Levi asked, looking away from Erwin as best as he could.

“We’re thinking about starting tonight. We can travel at a faster pace now that we know where we’ve come from, so we should get back on schedule.”

Levi nodded, clenching his fists as he saw Erwin pull on his vest from the corner of his eye. His stomach was tight and his nails were pressing crescents into his palms, knuckles white.

Then Erwin pulled on his shirt and buttoned it up and Levi thought he was safe. Until he started doing his straps and Levi could feel his blood coursing through him, breathing growing difficult. His mouth was so dry, his throat even more so. Levi was trying his utmost hardest to ignore him, but he couldn’t help but watch as Erwin tightened the ones on his thighs, making the lump in his throat damn near impossible to get passed.

“Are you okay?” Erwin asked once he started on the strap across his chest. “You look a little pale.”

“Just thirsty,” Levi said, his throat desperate for something to make it less dry.

“I have water,” Erwin said and he rooted through his pack and pulled out a flask of water for Levi. Levi took it with a word of thanks and drank some of it. He didn’t want to be rude and take all of it, but his throat damn near needed it.

Erwin drank some when Levi gave it back, and Levi looked over to the waterfall again, not as intrigued by the other naked people washing as he had been with Erwin. Whatever was happening, Levi would ignore it because he didn’t know what to do with such feelings.

“We’ve been lucky,” Erwin said after clearing his throat. “We haven’t fought a single one out here.”

“Don’t jinx it,” Levi said. “Shit could still happen.”

“I think we’re okay,” Erwin said.

“They say it’s always at the end of the climb when hikers are most likely to fall,” Levi said.

“I didn’t know you knew that saying,” Erwin said. “Not many people use it.”

“I do. Cockiness is the worst fucking trait.”

“I don’t think I was being cocky-.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Levi quickly recovered. He didn’t want Erwin to think he was insulting him. That was the last thing he wanted. “I just meant being confident for too long results in bad things.”

“Is overconfidence not arrogance?” Erwin asked and he was smiling.

The smile made Levi’s stomach lurch. “I guess.”

Erwin laughed. “Then I sincerely _hope_ our luck will continue.”

“Mm.”

Erwin laughed lightly beside him, Levi’s stomach spinning. A shiver ran down Levi’s spine as he glanced at Erwin, his smile bright and beautiful. Levi engraved that smile into his mind forever, it was far too beautiful to forget.

Then Erwin looked at him and Levi darted his gaze away in an instant, looking at the pool in front of him, the cloudy sky reflected in its clear water. There were birds up above, moving across the lake, their reflections shimmering as the water moved, ripples running as the waterfall ran upstream.

“Wouldn’t it be nice to live out here?” Erwin asked. “You know, without the titans.”

“It’s a bit far away from everything,” Levi mused.

“That’s not always that bad,” Erwin said. “Sometimes being away from things is good.”

Levi looked at Erwin who was watching the sky, his blue eyes glimmering underneath the sunlight. “I thought you liked living around people.”

Erwin shrugged. “I don’t _dis_ like it. I don’t think that means I necessarily like it.”

“But you’re a people person?”

Erwin laughed. “Is that what you think?”

“Is that not the case?”

“I’m not sure,” Erwin said, looking down at the ground and fiddling with his bolo tie. “Some people are exhausting.”

“ _Most_ people are exhausting.”

“Mhm,” Erwin agreed. “I hope you don’t think I’m exhausting.” Erwin turned his head to face Levi, their eyes meeting. Erwin’s were soft, warm, and inviting, and Levi could feel his own gaze softening just by looking at him, his body melting underneath his watch.

Levi shook his head slowly. “No, you’re okay.”

Erwin laughed through his nose. “You’re okay, too.”

Levi swallowed thickly, the two of them watching each other for a moment. Levi could hear his heart in his head, the rest of the world fading, going into the background as they watched each other, the moment encompassing them.

It was ruined when Hanji came stumbling over, half-naked and soaking wet. They dripped water all over Levi, their hair sopping wet and covering their face like they were mad, meant to be locked up. Levi wouldn’t put that passed Hanji. They probably were meant for an asylum somewhere. They had that air about them.

“The water’s cold,” Hanji said, shaking their hair like a dog.

“And you’re getting it on me,” Levi said, glaring them down.

Hanji laughed loudly and started dressing, clearly too wet for their clothing. Levi was thankful they had bathed, that was probably the first time in months, but now they had ruined the thing that had just happened between him and Erwin, whatever that might have been. And Levi hated Hanji for a second, though he wasn’t sure why.

They got moving as soon as everyone was ready to go, dried and clean for the first time in a long while. Levi stayed to the side of Erwin, just a little way back so Erwin would not feel that Levi was annoying. Levi couldn’t help but watch Erwin for almost the entire time they were there, travelling by horseback. He was entirely too much of a distraction, but Levi couldn’t stop watching him as he talked with the others or stayed idle. Levi admired his features and his back and his shoulders and his hair and his everything. Levi watched him and only him, not caring about the rest of the world.

As nightfall came, they happened upon a castle that wasn’t too beaten and destroyed. Shadis decided it would be best to stay there for the night before riding hard tomorrow to get back on schedule. The members of the Survey Corps were too tired, and they agreed instantly.

In the foyer of the abandoned building, they all gathered around and waited for what they should do.

“We’ll search the building and watch in groups,” Keith said and he started putting people together.

Levi and Erwin were the only two left once he had done that.

“Levi…” Keith paused.

“I can go by myself,” Levi said, happier to be alone than paired or part of a group that might infuriate him.

“I’m happy to go with Levi,” Erwin said.

Keith looked relieved and turned around, going with someone whose name Levi did not know. Levi and Erwin were left, standing side by side. Erwin did have authority over Levi, though he rarely, if ever, used that, but Levi would wait to be told what to do today. They were rarely left alone and Levi didn’t know what to do with that.

“We’ll go this way,” Erwin said and let Levi lead.

Levi shook his head and paused and Erwin took the hint, going first and letting Levi follow.

There wasn’t much to their section of the building, just two empty rooms, one having a smashed window. They decided to sleep in the other one, wanting to keep the warmth in as best as possible.

Levi offered to take first watch and Erwin thanked him. They settled down, Levi next to the window so that he could see out of it, and Erwin lying a few feet away from him.

Erwin was lying facing him, his features soft in the light of the night. His heart was swelling, his breathing calm. Levi didn’t know why he always felt such peace when he looked at Erwin, but he did. His mere presence made Levi relax, made him feel like everything was in control. He just had that air about him.

“Everything okay, Levi?” Erwin asked as he could easily tell Levi was watching him.

Levi shook himself out of it and turned his head away. Erwin rolled onto his side fully to look at Levi, eyes intent on him.

“ _Is_ everything okay?” Erwin asked.

“What?”

“You never answer me when I ask you.”

“It’s a stupid question.”

“Why?”

“Because you confuse me.”

“Confuse you?” Erwin repeated but Levi did not speak again. “I guess most people think the Corps are a terrible group of people so, when you get to really see us and see that we’re not like that all, I guess that can be confusing.”

“No,” Levi said.

“No?” Erwin repeated, slowly, confused.

“I didn’t give a shit about the Survey Corps before, I didn’t think about them much at all,” Levi said, chewing his lip slowly. “ _You_ confuse me.”

“ _I_ confuse you?”

“ _You_ confuse me,” Levi repeated.

“I, _Erwin,_ confuse you?”

“Yes.”

“Me, _personally_?”

Levi nodded.

Erwin looked baffled. “Why?”

“I don’t know,” Levi said, honestly. “You just do. I don’t understand what’s happening. You just confuse me.”

“What am I doing that’s confusing?”

“I don’t know how to explain it,” Levi said.

“Can you try?”

“No.”

Erwin looked taken aback. “Okay… But-.”

“Just go to sleep. I’ll wake you later.”

“But-.”

“Go to sleep,” Levi ordered and he turned his back on Erwin.

Erwin remained where he was for a moment, clearly bemused, before he shuffled around and settled down to sleep. Levi sighed deep and closed his eyes for a moment. He didn’t know why he had said anything, it would just make matters worse. And to get worse than they already were, that was not a direction Levi wanted to be going in.

Ignoring it completely, Levi waited a few hours, watching the sky move above him. Clouds drifted slowly, blocking some stars before blocking others as they twinkled high above them all. Stars had always mystified Levi, and he would love to know their wonders. But they were far above and beyond Levi and his comprehension. All he could do was watch and wonder, though that was not all that terrible. In fact, Levi was rather content with just wondering at things greater than him.

When he awoke Erwin, he didn’t say much. Erwin didn’t either, clearly exhausted. Levi fell asleep quickly, feeling safe under Erwin’s watch.

The next day, he did not speak to Erwin. He got up and left the room and ignored him for as long as possible. They all gathered their things and rode on quickly once they were all awake. Levi didn’t ride near the front next to Erwin like he had been doing before, but to the side. He could still see Erwin, but Erwin would not be able to see him, and that was how he liked it.

He continued to ignore and avoid Erwin at all costs for the next few weeks as well. The confusion merely built as he felt his absence, but Levi was pushing that on himself, and so he would deal with it. There were times where he wished Erwin would enforce his company on Levi, but he didn’t. Erwin was nothing if not respecting of other people, and Levi hated him for that, but he couldn’t exactly make that much of a complaint.

Erwin was also busy with reports and helping Shadis with something or other. Their mission had done some good, and Hanji was called off to help them all. Levi, again, was left alone without them. But, because of his utter confusion towards Erwin, he was almost glad for the peace. It meant some of his thoughts could run wild, but he could also calm some of the others, and Levi knew he needed that.

About a month after the mission, Levi was called into Shadis’ office for a meeting. The only other people in the office were Shadis and Erwin, and Levi wondered what the fuck was going on. Deep down, he knew it had to be nothing, but in his heart, he was worried he had been found out.

Levi did not salute, as he rarely did, and Shadis glared at him as he came to stand beside Erwin, a few feet between them. Then he waited, fear striking his heart cold.

“You have been requested at one of the Capital fundraisers,” Shadis said, looking more at Erwin than Levi.

“Is that not your duty?” Erwin asked, hands neatly folded by his back, respectful in comparison to Levi who had his arms crossed across his chest.

“Usually,” Shadis said. “But I have other things to attend to. I suggested you afterwards and, as that is technically against the rules, they asked if they could have another rule-break as well; Levi.”

Not expecting to hear his name in such a context, Levi was struck silent, eyebrows furrowed even further than usual. Even Erwin seemed surprised.

“They asked for Levi specifically?” Erwin asked.

“His reputation has been, shall we say, unleashed unto the public, particularly how fast he has risen through the ranks. They say if they are to meet someone who is not the Commander, they wish to meet Levi as well,” Shadis said, shrugging. “I didn’t ask, I just agreed because we need the funds. To get the funds, we must appease them, we all know that.”

Erwin nodded.

Levi did not.

“Who said I would go?” Levi asked. He wasn’t being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn, Levi just wasn’t a people person. His skill levels may have been released to the public, but his personality hadn’t. They would not like him so much once they met him in person, Levi was sure of that.

“Don’t be a brat, Levi-.”

“I’m not,” Levi interrupted, calm and collected.

“Levi, you’re going,” Shadis declared and that meant there was no room for argument. That did not mean, however, that Levi wouldn’t argue.

“I’m not going to some pretty party for the rich.”

“Whether you want to or not is out of the question. You’re going for the good of the Corps.”

Erwin was staying quiet. He knew better than to get between them sometimes.

“No,” Levi stated.

“You’re going.”

“And how will you make me?” Levi knew very well that he was pushing Shadis’ buttons, but something about that man made him. Levi couldn’t resist if he tried.

Before Shadis could answer, however, Erwin said, “I’ll make sure Levi stays out of trouble.”

Levi turned his head and glared at Erwin, who was looking straight at Shadis.

“Thank you, Erwin. That will be all.”

Erwin saluted and went to leave immediately. Levi remained where he was for a few moments, staring Shadis down. He did not leave until Erwin came up behind him and took his arm, practically pushing him out of the room.

Erwin shut the door quietly behind him and looked at Levi with a sigh. Levi felt worse then than he had the entire time he was in the office talking to Keith. Disappointing Erwin was not something Levi ever wanted to do, and he felt he had done exactly that. His heart filled with guilt.

“Why do you push him like that?” Erwin asked.

Levi shrugged, looking away from Erwin. He felt like a child being scolded, and it was worse coming from Erwin.

“He’s not asking a lot,” Erwin said, and Levi could feel him watching Levi’s every move intently. It was making him feel both guiltier, and a little hot under the collar as well.

“Not of you,” Levi said. “I don’t do social events. Can you really picture me at a social gathering or some shit like that?”

Erwin sighed again and it hurt Levi’s heart. “It’s not preferable for any of us. But they are, unfortunately, a necessity, Levi.”

“For you-.”

“And for you,” Erwin said, and Levi felt like he had been told once and for all.

Levi did not speak again, he looked at the ground and clenched his jaw. Erwin seemed to give up with him and walked away without another word. More pain filled Levi’s heart, but it was for the best. Erwin had better get used to Levi disappointing him, because that was all he would be doing for the rest of their time in the Corps together, however long that might be.

As Levi wasn’t sure what exactly took place during these gatherings, Erwin had to teach him what to do and what he should say. It was a little much to be taking on and Levi knew he wouldn’t remember half the shit Erwin had told him. Trying to learn to be polite in a couple of days was not going to work for Levi when he hadn’t been polite a single day in his life. People and Levi were not meant to meet, Levi knew that in his core. He was blunt, he was considered rude, he did not see the point in going about the point, and that was very much the opposite of what society thought was decent.

He wasn’t nervous as such when they got in the carriage the morning of the event, he just didn’t want to disappoint Erwin. Any level of disappointment he felt from Erwin would break his heart into pieces. He would try his best, but he didn’t know how well he would perform when around other people. Strangers, they were not good for Levi, but he would try.

The carriage ride with Erwin was rather silent. Levi couldn’t tell if that was him bringing on the atmosphere or if it was Erwin. He didn’t want to break it in case Erwin was genuinely mad with him, but he also didn’t like this kind of silence. Usually, it was comfortable between them, but this was different. Levi didn’t like it at all.

“You’re awful quiet, Levi,” Erwin said once they had passed through a gate, going deeper into the Interior. They were almost there and Levi wondered why Erwin hadn’t said anything before if he wasn’t mad with him. “I hope I didn’t offend you the other day when I said you had to come. I just meant it was in our best interests, and sometimes I don’t always think about what other people want when the Corps comes into it.”

“No, it’s fine,” Levi said. “I was just being a stubborn fuck.”

“I don’t think you were,” Erwin said, looking out of the window, Levi watching him and his heart yearning for him. The sun was high in the sky and the light was shining onto his features, making his cheekbones deep and beautiful. Levi almost knew what was happening to him exactly, but he wasn’t sure what to do with it. “I know this isn’t your scene and it’s not fair to force you into it.”

“So, should I go home now?” Levi asked, jokingly as they were far too far in for them to turn back now.

“Did you just call it ‘home’?” Erwin asked, looking at Levi, features soft.

Levi shrugged. “What else would it be?”

“I never thought you’d call it ‘home’,” Erwin said, smiling gently. “Especially not after how much you protested at first.”

Levi snorted at the memory. Whilst it probably wasn’t the nicest memory for Erwin, Levi holding a blade to his throat as he gripped tight onto it, blood pouring down his wrist, it was comical as well. To look back on where they had started and to see them now, it was a very different tale and Levi wouldn’t have believed a single person if they had told him this was how it was going to work out.

Erwin still had the scar across his palm, and it pained Levi to think that he was the one who had caused it. Especially to Erwin who he cared more about than any other person at all. But at least he could know that scar was there and move on from that, see where they were now, not where they had been. That was what Levi would focus on instead.

“I don’t think you could call it protesting,” Levi said. “I had an agenda.”

“I think I can recall,” Erwin said, and he was smiling widely. “But even after your… “agenda” was, somewhat, halted, you still weren’t a fan.”

“You were always the enemy,” Levi said, casually, looking out of the window as they passed some people going about their day. Levi watched them until they were out of sight, wondering what it might be like to live this life instead of the one he had led.

“Is that how everyone thinks down there?” Erwin asked, genuinely even though he said, ‘down there’. Levi knew that meant where it was physically, but it still felt like he meant in relation to its status and what people thought of it.

“Any authority is hated,” Levi said, not looking at Erwin because he didn’t want to offend him. “You don’t bother with us unless we bother you. People don’t even think about it, people probably don’t even think it exists, some don’t even know about it. And those with authority who do know about it hate us and think we’re a parasite. The Survey Corps were a part of that authority. That’s all.”

There was a pause between them as Erwin considered his words. It wasn’t a personal attack, Levi hadn’t hated Erwin personally, he had hated all of authority. In fact, for the most part, he still did. The Corps weren’t that bad because they didn’t abuse it, but go to the Military Police, and it was a different story. Levi hated them. He didn’t hate the Corps, not anymore.

“You still say ‘us’,” Erwin commented. Perhaps he didn’t know what to say to the rest of it. Levi probably wouldn’t if the roles were reversed. Levi had said he had hated who he associated himself with, that probably wasn’t easy to take on even if it wasn’t the same case anymore.

Levi shrugged. “It’s still me. I’m not, not a part of Underground just because I don’t live there anymore.”

“Didn’t you hate it?”

“Yes. I hated it completely and I was always thinking of ways to get out, everyone was. No one wanted to be there.”

“So, why do you still think you’re a part of it?”

“Because I am me because of it. I think the way I do because of it. I live the way I live because of it. I can’t escape it, not even if I’m as far from it as I can get.”

“You don’t think you’ll ever think differently?”

Levi shook his head. He looked at Erwin then, whose blue eyes were soft, watching Levi without judgement.

“Would you be able to forget your upbringing?” He asked.

“I don’t think so.”

“I don’t know how unpleasant yours was, but just because mine wasn’t the best doesn’t mean it’s easier to forget,” Levi said.

“Mine wasn’t terrible, to begin with. But I barely knew my mother, and my father was killed because he knew things he wasn’t meant to know. After that, not so great, but it certainly wasn’t terrible.”

“What things did he know?” Levi asked, not wanting to ask anything too prying.

“Things about the Walls, things he guessed that were correct.”

As Erwin didn’t say too much more, Levi guessed it wasn’t something he wanted to talk about, so Levi didn’t ask anything else. The two of them sat together and talked, waiting for the rest of the journey to end. Even more so, Levi wanted to not disappoint Erwin when he was with these people who could give them funds. He would try to be on his best behaviour. For Erwin.

But that was difficult. When they got there, it had only just begun and people were turning up and greeting each other happily. Levi didn’t own much formal clothing, so he didn’t wear a jacket there. All he had was a button-up shirt, and he hoped it didn’t making him look too nonchalant. Whilst, of course, he felt like that exactly, he shouldn’t show that to people. He had to pretend he was interested in them, that he actually wanted to be there.

Erwin introduced the two of them to some people, Levi having to shake hands with people wearing expensive clothing and jewellery. None of these people knew where he had come from, so they didn’t seem worried that he was looking at their jewels. The reputation of Underground was that they were thieves and, although Levi did not want to take their jewels, people would surely think that if they knew his upbringing.

Some of them asked him questions and Levi answered as politely as he could. He was trying his hardest to force away the sarcastic and bored answers that came straight to his mind. If Erwin was not there and if he did not care if Erwin was disappointed in him, Levi would not have tried that hard at all.

Inside, it got busy very quickly. Levi observed the high ceilings and extravagant paintings and chandeliers that hung low. There was not a penny wasted here, and the contrast to what Levi had known as expensive buildings, the taverns typically, was almost comical to him. It would have been funnier if Levi could ignore the fact that the people in Underground were starving and dying every day whilst these people were living in an opulence they couldn’t even dream of.

He felt entirely out of place, like this was somewhere he was not allowed to be. He truly felt like a child now. He followed Erwin like a lost puppy, not knowing where to go or what to look at. They were told where their rooms were and Levi wanted to escape to them straight away, but Erwin carried on, and Levi didn’t want to be left alone. These people were not Levi’s people, and he found them difficult to navigate.

As long as Erwin stayed with him, he would be able to get through the night. But Erwin didn’t stay with him. He spotted Nile, and Levi was not a fan of Nile, but Erwin knew him and so he told Levi to do his own thing for a moment whilst he went to talk to him. Levi was glad because he didn’t want to talk to Nile, but also fearful because he was now left alone.

Levi stood with his back against the wall, trying to make himself as small as possible to avoid all sort of contact with anyone. He watched Erwin from where he was as he talked with Nile. Levi couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy that Erwin had chosen Nile over him. It was ridiculous, but he felt it all the same.

Some people came over to Levi and talked to him, asking him questions though they would clearly rather talk about themselves. Levi did as little conversational work as possible, letting them do it all as they babbled and yapped on about shit Levi couldn’t care less about.

He focused his attention purely on Erwin, who moved about the room and talked to people. He moved with ease, going from person to person, talking as if he had known them for years. Maybe he had, Levi didn’t know.

All he knew was that it kind of hurt when Erwin leaned in close to them, talking to them intimately. All he knew was that it made his heart grow tight as Erwin laughed a different kind of laugh than the one Levi knew. All he knew was that when he lightly touched the people he was talking to so closely, Levi wished he was there instead. It seemed like he might know a lot, but he didn’t feel like it at all.

Erwin laughed that laugh again, talking to a pretty and tall woman who was wearing something elegant and lowcut. She laughed as well and put her hand on his arm. Levi clenched his jaw and tried to ignore it, but it was all too much. His gaze was intent on how her gaze lingered on Erwin, letting it slip a little too low for Levi’s liking.

Of course, he had no reason to be jealous, he had no right to it. But it was hurting him so and he just wanted it to stop. All he wanted was for Erwin to ignore the pretty lady’s smile and come back to his side.

But then he moved onto a man who was very handsome and he smiled and laughed and joked and touched his arm and Levi felt his stomach drop. They were leaning into each other, smiling and joking, Erwin’s eyes reading something Levi wasn’t sure about, and he hated it. Everything about it, Levi wanted none of it whatsoever.

When Erwin moved onto yet another person, Levi had enough and walked out of the room. He might have been there for a reason, but he couldn’t cope in there for a second longer.

Levi found his room as quickly as possible, ignoring the expensive paintings and intricacies on the walls. Inside his room, it was still relatively light, and Levi shut the door, ignoring how lavish the sheets were and how luxurious the furniture seemed, and he collapsed straight onto the bed.

All Levi could do was ignore how he had been feeling. He couldn’t get to sleep if he tried, he couldn’t think about anything else. Erwin wasn’t even acting all that strange, Levi knew he had to do whatever he could to get donations and funds, but Levi hated what he had to do. It made his heart ache, it made Levi want to curl up and ignore the world. That was all he wanted to do forever.

A few hours later, Erwin knocked on the door and came in. Levi nodded at him as a greeting, not feeling up to talking yet.

“People were asking after you,” Erwin said, shrugging off his jacket and hanging it on the back of the door.

“Oh well.” Levi ignored what he had felt before, confused by it, and continued to stare at the ceiling. He wished to whoever might be listening that Erwin wouldn’t sleep in the same room as him, but there was no way around it. There were two beds, Erwin and Levi had been asked there personally, they weren’t getting another room now.

“I know it’s not your thing,” Erwin said, loosening his tie and taking off his shoes. He had taken into consideration Levi’s levels of cleanliness and put his shoes next to Levi’s. “So, I’m glad that you came. Thank you for that. They liked talking to you, if it’s any consolation.”

“I don’t see why, I’m not exactly a pleasant person to talk to.”

Erwin laughed through his nose and Levi felt something in his chest. It was that damn warmth blossoming and spreading through his body. He hated it because he didn’t know exactly what it was. He could guess, but he didn’t know for sure, and he wasn’t ever certain he would.

“I think they might find you amusing,” Erwin said and he sat on his bed.

Levi tried his hardest to not look at him but he couldn’t help but glance at him, his features softened by the light of the moon pouring through the windows. He wanted to reach out to him for a reason he couldn’t explain, which was why he tightened his fists and went back to staring at the ceiling.

“Why did you leave?” Erwin asked, unbuttoning his shirt after placing his tie on the chair near him.

“I didn’t want to stand there by myself,” Levi said, not mentioning the part where he didn’t like hearing Erwin talk to people the way he did.

“I would have brought you over, but you hate Nile,” Erwin said. “I thought I’d save you from having to talk to him.”

“Why do you even have to talk to him?”

“I’ve known him a while now. And I think connections with him are good to have.”

“Is that how you think all the time?” Levi asked, turning to face him, Erwin already looking at him.

“Think like what?”

“About connections and public relations and all that shit?”

“Most of the time, yes.”

“But you’re not even the Commander?”

“Keith wants me to be,” Erwin said. “He says soon, he’d like me to take on the role.”

“He’s gonna abdicate?”

Erwin nodded. “First time ever.”

“Congrats.”

Erwin laughed. “You don’t really think that, do you?”

“I wouldn’t want it.”

“It’s good you’re not getting it then, isn’t it?”

Levi snorted and turned away. For some reason, he was both relieved and not at the news. The fact that he spoke to everyone just for connections was a relief to Levi for a reason he couldn’t place, but the fact that he was going to be taking on such a demanding role was less pleasant to Levi’s heart. He couldn’t place why, all he knew was that it was making Levi dread the future.

“Why do you want it?” Levi asked after Erwin had changed and gotten into bed. Levi was still lying on top of the sheets but he could sleep anywhere, so it didn’t bother him. Even though he was still in his formal clothes, he could sleep easily.

It had been a few moments since the topic had ended, and Erwin didn’t answer straight away.

“I think we’re closer than ever to completing what we’re going to complete. I would happily take us through and reach our goals, and if Keith thinks I’m ready to do that, then I feel ready, too,” Erwin answered, voice soft as if he were ready to sleep.

“What is it we’re going to complete?”

“Smiting them all,” Erwin said. “Figuring out their secrets, living again. I don’t know, all of the above and more, I guess.”

“You don’t sound certain.”

Erwin laughed through his nose. “There’s a lot to accomplish. I don’t know which comes first is all.”

“Right.”

“You don’t agree?” Erwin asked.

“I’ve never really thought about it,” Levi asked. “I don’t think our goals are the same.”

“They aren’t?”

“I don’t know. I just want to kill them all because of… Well, because of Farlan and Isabel.”

“I would like them all gone as well,” Erwin said. “I don’t think it’s all that different.”

“You want to know their secrets, though.”

“You’re not curious?”

Levi shrugged, not sure what to say. He didn’t really give a shit about what they were, he just hated their very essence. Whatever they were, that was just them. He had just as many questions about mankind as he did about titans. He just wanted them dead. If they never figured them out, Levi would probably be okay with that.

“I don’t really care,” Levi said. “I just hate them.”

“If we know what they’re about, then I think it’ll be easier to get rid of them.”

“What if you find something out that you don’t like?” Levi asked.

“Like what?”

“I’m not sure, I just don’t think it’ll all be good news.”

“I think we’re doing okay so far,” Erwin said. “Whatever comes next, comes next. I think we’ll be ready to deal with it.”

“Mm,” Levi hummed, not sure what else to say.

“Goodnight, Levi,” Erwin said after a moment of pause.

“Mhm.”

Levi did not sleep right away, it was too difficult a task with Erwin right beside him, close enough that he could hear the change in his breathing when he eventually fell asleep. Whilst Erwin’s rhythm was a calm one that could easily send Levi to sleep, the thoughts and words of what Erwin had been saying to people were running through Levi’s head too furiously for him to hear it all that well.

Erwin might have said that it was all because he needed connections, but Levi couldn’t get them out of his head. Jealousy was not something Levi thought he had in his heart, but he clearly did. And it was more than a little prominent as he attempted to fall asleep.

The next morning, they left early, Levi not at all prepared to see anyone from the night before and Erwin seeming more than happy to return as well. Their carriage ride was entirely silent, and Levi knew it was down to him this time. Erwin had not changed at all, but Levi was not ready to talk to him knowing how jealous he had become when Erwin had said a few things and laughed a little differently. He was not ready to pretend that that was not the case, not yet.

Before Levi knew it, Shadis had promoted Erwin to become the Commander of the Survey Corps, the first ever to abdicate the position. Everyone was rejoiceful and happy, Erwin clearly proud of himself. And Levi was glad he had achieved what he wanted, but he knew he would not see Erwin as much. This was both a blessing and not because he wouldn’t see Erwin, so he could ignore his feelings, but he would miss him dearly too. Levi hated his current situation.

Being the Commander was not that fun, it seemed. Whilst Erwin got to make a lot of the decisions that he thought were right, it came with a lot more paperwork than seemed fair for someone who was all about fighting and trying to destroy titans.

There was paperwork about funds and donations, there was paperwork about missions, there was paperwork about the recruits and the Captains, there was paperwork about events, letters to other higher ups. There were a thousand things Erwin had to write down, and Levi didn’t know how he managed to do it all without wanting to jump out of a window.

Whenever Levi got called into his office, Levi felt a rush of nerves. He knew it was never anything that he might want it to be, but he got to see him again. With everything the Commander had to do, Levi blessed the world that he could see him again. His heart ached to be without him, and it felt full when his eyes were set on him.

He had been called there again, and Levi adjusted his straps and straightened out his shirt before he entered the office. If anyone saw him, they would think him a great fool, Levi was sure of that. But Levi couldn’t help it. He wanted Erwin to see him as pristine and proper, and when he was absent so often, he had little opportunity to demonstrate that.

“I know you hate the communal showers,” Erwin said as Levi entered his office, knowing it was him instantly as he was the only person who never knocked to enter. “If you’d like, you can use mine. It’s private, so it’s cleaner for you.”

“Is this why you wanted to become Commander? For the private shower?” Levi asked, joking lightly as he came a little closer to the desk.

Not seeing Erwin so often had made him feel his absence more than ever when he wouldn’t usually before. He wasn’t in the communal showers, he worked a lot on paperwork when people were eating, he travelled a lot. Levi did not get to see him as much as he did before, and it was painful.

“It’s exactly the reason,” Erwin said, absently as he read some more papers.

“Was that all?” Levi asked when he felt he had exceeded his worth in the room, a little saddened by the fact Erwin hadn’t looked at him yet.

“Uh,” Erwin hummed. He wasn’t focused at all. Levi wondered if maybe he had taken on some things he was not all that ready to handle. “Um. Sorry, what did you say?” Erwin looked up at him and Levi could see the dark circles under his eyes.

“I asked if you needed me for anything else.”

“Um, I don’t think so,” Erwin said.

Levi nodded and went to leave.

“Wait,” Erwin said and Levi did instantly, turning back to face Erwin. “I have to write this godforsaken letter to the King, I would like some help.”

“I’m not good with words,” Levi said, suddenly self-conscious.

“I don’t need help writing,” Erwin said. “Would you just stay and tell me if something sounds ridiculous?”

“Okay,” Levi said, nodding slowly.

Levi looked around the room and found a chair to sit in, waiting for Erwin to begin. Erwin said a lot of words that Levi wasn’t sure about, but he tried to listen. If he was honest, he didn’t know why Erwin would ask him to help because Levi didn’t know what sounded ridiculous and what didn’t when words like those were being used.

But he liked listening to Erwin speak, he liked listening to Erwin’s deep and soothing voice. As he listened to Erwin talk, using words he did not know, Levi felt himself drifting off, head sinking before he realised and woke himself up.

Erwin didn’t seem to notice, reading intently, and Levi tried to listen, but Erwin’s voice was too soothing and too relaxing for Levi to focus entirely, and he drifted off. Erwin’s voice sent himself softly into sleep, Levi sleeping much better than he had in a long time indeed.

When Levi woke up, it was dark outside. The chair he was in was not the most comfortable, but Levi had slept in a lot worse places. His body was stiff from the position he had fallen asleep in, his neck painful to move.

As he stretched his neck, Levi realised he had a blanket across his body. It was warm and Levi found himself comfortable in his position, though he was ultimately confused. He couldn’t remember what he was doing before he had fallen asleep, and there was no one else in the room to ask. Levi guessed it was very late from how dark the room and the sky was.

As Levi stretched, he pulled the blanket up, tucking his legs underneath him, ready to sleep there for the rest of the night. Breathing in deep, Levi caught a scent of the blanket and he brought it up to his nose and breathed it in again.

He knew what it was instantly; Erwin.

Something about it was familiar and warm to Levi, and he hugged it into himself, breathing it in and in and in. If Erwin found him like this in the morning, Levi knew he wouldn’t quite know how to explain himself, so he picked up the blanket and made his way back to his own quarters. He didn’t know why he took the blanket, though there was a part of him that guessed it was because it smelt of Erwin.

Levi curled up in bed, the blanket beside him. As he grew accustomed to its smell, Levi fell asleep again, Erwin comforting him a different way this time.

The next morning, Levi awoke with the blanket tucked up around him. He breathed it in, though the scent was kind of faded now that he had grown so used to it, which was a shame. Growing accustom to things was sometimes disappointing, Levi realised.

There was a knock on his door that made Levi jump. People rarely knocked. No one ever really visited him. It made him nervous, though he didn’t know why.

Stretching, Levi then made his way to the door and opened it, rubbing his eye with one of his hands.

It was Erwin, and Levi’s stomach flipped. He knew what was happening to him; he was in love. It had hit him kind of like a brick being thrown at him, and it was sudden and painful, but Levi was happy about it. He probably wouldn’t have been too happy if an actual brick was thrown at him, but that’s irrelevant.

“Good morning,” Erwin greeted, smiling.

“Hey,” Levi replied, not sure what was going on.

“I thought you were going to be in the chair this morning, so I just wanted to check in on you,” Erwin said, smiling, warm.

“Oh,” Levi said. “Yeah. Thanks.”

“I guess the letter was that boring,” Erwin joked.

Levi snorted. “It was fine. I was just tired.”

Erwin laughed through his nose and Levi felt his heart warm.

“Did you send it?” Levi asked, wanting to keep Erwin around for as long as possible.

“I’m about to, no thanks to your aid,” Erwin joked further.

“Like fuck I could help anyway,” Levi said, rolling his eyes.

“I was hoping you could just keep me company anyway,” Erwin said, eyes shining. “Which, also, you only half did.”

Levi considered the idea that Erwin wanted him to keep him company, and it was playing with his head. In fact, it played with his head so much, he forgot to reply at all. It made Erwin furrow his brow at him.

“Did I say something wrong?” Erwin asked.

It threw Levi back to reality.

“What? No. You’re fine. I’m tired,” Levi lied.

“Tired? Really? How is that even possible?” Erwin asked, smirking.

“Shut up,” Levi said. He could feel his chest warming, and he wasn’t sure what to do with that, just that he wanted to keep Erwin around for as long as he possibly could.

“Well,” Erwin said, after a pause. “I hope you’re okay.”

“Yeah,” Levi said, wishing he could say more, just not knowing what.

“I’ll see you later,” Erwin said, and there was something hanging between them, Levi just really couldn’t figure out what it was. “Get some rest.” He smirked.

“Asshole,” Levi commented, though he was suppressing a smirk as Erwin laughed through his nose and turned to leave.

He wasn’t sure what led him to the next decision he made, just that he knew it felt right; he should probably tell Erwin he was in love with him, right? That was something he should probably let him know. Otherwise it might slip out some other time, and Levi liked to have control over the situation. If he knew his feelings, he wasn’t going to hide from them, not now.

It just wasn’t something Levi was used to talking about. He had never really fallen in love before, he wasn’t even completely sure that this was love he was feeling. Maybe it was respect, maybe it was just a deep appreciation. Levi didn’t know for sure. It felt like love, but Levi hadn’t known much of that in his life, and he didn’t want to be presumptuous, but he wanted this confusion over with. So, if he told Erwin and he was dismissed of any sort of relationship, he could forget about it and move on. But, with this current confusion, he wasn’t sure what he could do at all.

The day passed and Levi mulled over different ways he could go about it, though none of them seemed to sit right in his head. He could ease it into the conversation, he could outright ask Erwin if he liked him, he could question if Erwin was interested in anyone. But none of them worked, none of them screamed something Levi would do.

Before Levi had really made a decision, he was walking towards Erwin’s office, without knowing at all what he was going to say. He hoped it would come to him when he got there, though he knew that was wishful thinking.

Outside the office, he took a deep breath to calm his nerves, and went in, without knocking, as he never did. Erwin barely even looked up when Levi came in, knowing who it would be without even having to acknowledge them. He did nod, which somehow drove Levi insane, as if he was in love with every part of him which, in reality, he was.

He shut the door behind him and leaned against the wall, watching Erwin who went back to his work, writing, the scratch of the pen the only sound in the room. Crossing his arms over his chest, Levi waited until the time was right.

Erwin either forget that Levi was in the room or he was just waiting for Levi to say something first, either way, he said nothing. Levi watched him, the way his hand worked, the way blonde strands escaped from their neat parting and hung over his beautiful, soft features. His brow was furrowed and his lips were mouthing words lightly, probably regarding whatever it was that he was writing. But he looked peaceful, more peaceful than he had in a long time.

Of course he was in love him. How could he possibly watch him like this, think these things, and not be in love with him? How had it taken him this long to realise that?

“I’m in love with you,” Levi said, casually.

Erwin stopped writing instantly, Levi’s heart finding its way to his mouth. He just waited as Erwin looked up slowly, brow furrowed further. “Excuse me?”

“Don’t pretend you didn’t hear me,” Levi said, not wanting to repeat himself.

Erwin paused for an extended time, studying Levi long and hard. Levi just waited, eyes focused on Erwin’s, who was working something out in his head. Levi knew there were a lot of different things that could have happened, and he was ready for whichever one came.

All he wished was that it would come a little sooner than Erwin was letting it. The waiting was the worst part.

“It’s a lot to take on,” Erwin said, slowly.

Levi nodded. So, Erwin didn’t love him back. Levi had been aware that was easily a possibility and he wasn’t that hurt. Well, it did hurt a lot, in fact, it was incredibly painful, but Levi couldn’t do much about that. Unrequited love was a tragic thing, but Levi would deal with it. He was an adult and he could deal with rejection. Well, he might cry a little later, but that was fine. In private, it was fine.

“I just thought I’d let you know is all,” Levi said, sighing quietly. He pushed himself off the wall and clicked his tongue. Levi was ready to be alone now. That kind of declaration took a lot out of someone like Levi. He was ready to be alone for a while, to ignore the world for a few hours or days if so be it.

“Where are you going?” Erwin asked, straightening up, completely aware.

Levi stopped, furrowing his brow at Erwin. “I’m leaving you be.”

Erwin laughed lightly. “You just told me you’re in love with me and, now, you’re going to leave? I can’t tell if that’s playing hard to get or not?”

“I wasn’t doing anything,” Levi said. “I was just telling you and you don’t feel the same, so-.”

“I didn’t say that,” Erwin interrupted.

“You didn’t say much at all.”

Erwin laughed lightly. “I was going-.”

Erwin was interrupted by someone bursting through the door, saying that Hanji desperately needed to see Erwin. Erwin said he would see them right away, and the soldier just waited for Erwin to come. Levi nodded, saying Erwin could go and he threw him an apologetic look as he left.

Usually, Levi would go with him, but not right now. They had to keep as professional as they could at all times, but Levi didn’t want things to be awkward. If Hanji had discovered something brilliant, Levi would hear about it later. He couldn’t go with Erwin after that. Not yet.

The waiting for Erwin to be finished with whatever it was that Hanji had found was probably the hardest part. Levi wasn’t sure what Erwin was going to say, and if it was good news, Levi wished he had some indication. This hope that was settling into his system was one that would tear him down if Erwin crushed it. It would probably destroy him forever, and that was not something he really wanted. It was pathetic, and Levi liked to pretend he wasn’t pathetic, even though the opposite was true.

Just the thought of Erwin saying no now made Levi want to curl up and die. He didn’t mind being rejected; it was a part of life. What he minded was that Erwin would look at him differently. Nothing had changed, Erwin just knew a little bit more about him, and that revelation might change everything forever,

So, to try and redeem himself, Levi went to Erwin’s office, ready to tell him to forget everything he had said. Whilst it had all been completely true, Erwin did not need this on top of everything else he had to deal with.

Erwin wasn’t there when Levi entered, so Levi waited patiently. Well, patiently might not be the right word; he was on edge and he was pacing and he was anxious. He wasn’t sure how Erwin had this much power over him, but he did, and all he could do was wait.

When Erwin eventually came into the room, Levi suddenly wished he was elsewhere, not sure how to deal with this at all.

Erwin looked at Levi and froze for a moment, clearly shocked that Levi was there, without him having asked. He was alone, which was a blessing. Levi would feel entirely too awkward to say a single thing if Erwin had company.

“Hello, Levi,” Erwin said, coming into the room and shutting the door behind him.

“Hey,” Levi replied. He paused, taking a deep breath, he looked out of the window and away from Erwin. “I just wanted to tell you that you can forget everything I said earlier. I was just feeling, I don’t know, alone or something, so it wasn’t real-.”

Levi had been so wrapped up in his thought in trying to convince Erwin that he wasn’t in love with him that he hadn’t heard Erwin stepping towards him until they were directly in front of each other. Erwin cupped Levi’s face in his hands and, leaning down, brought their lips together. Breath hitched in Levi’s throat as Erwin kissed him, long and slow, breathing him in.

He was still for a moment, not sure how to react, but Erwin was such a warming presence, Levi couldn’t help but make a slight moan and wrap his own arms around Erwin, securing them together. His love was soaking into his lips, and Levi tumbled in love with this man even further.

When they broke apart, Levi just waited, heart in his mouth, hands almost shaking though he forced himself to not show it. He had to be strong, even if he was pretending. Erwin was so beautiful up close, however, it almost made him more nervous.

“What I was going to say earlier,” Erwin said, slowly, his hands warm against Levi’s skin. “Was that I think I’m in love with you, too.”

“You think?” Levi asked, not sure what else to say.

Erwin smiled. “There are few things I’m as certain about as I am about this. I’m certain my father correctly discovered things about the Walls. I’m certain the Corps is where I’m meant to be. And I’m certain that I’m in love with you, Levi Ackerman.”

Levi just about melted, everything coming together in a more perfect way than Levi knew. He gripped onto the bottom of Erwin’s shirt lightly, worried his knees might give in if he didn’t hold onto something stable.

“You love me?” Levi asked, uncertainty in his voice as well as a hope for happiness. He wouldn’t be certain, not yet. Erwin may have said the words, but Levi needed to be one hundred percent confident in it before he held onto it too desperately. He had had too much disappointment in his life to hold onto something before it was certain.

“I love you,” Erwin confirmed, and he smiled so genuinely that Levi’s heart swelled to full capacity.

“Good,” Levi said, his tone light and airy.

“Good?” Erwin was beaming.

“Yeah,” Levi said and he leaned up, Erwin leaning down, their lips meeting, gently and calmly. Peace consumed them both as they broke apart again, too in love with the moment to truly comprehend its reality, and they had to break apart to make sure it was still real, that they weren’t dreaming.

Levi had never been so content in his entire life; he even smiled his brightest smile, which made Erwin smile warmly as well.

They brought their mouths together again, slowly and lovingly, Levi breathing in every bit of Erwin he could. Nothing he could have ever imagined would have matched to how wonderful it was to kiss Erwin; it was perfection. His lips were warm, they tasted sublime, they fit with Levi’s perfectly. There was nothing bad about it, it was all just wonderful.

Everything was soft and calm, the world around them perfect for a second. Levi had never felt so complete in his entire life, Erwin made him feel like everything was perfect, that nothing in the world could be wrong as long as Erwin was kissing him.

Levi wanted every taste of him he could get, and he moved his mouth over Erwin’s, their lips wet now as they soaked each other up. Then Erwin nipped at Levi’s bottom lip, and Levi moaned, mainly out of surprise. Their lips did not part as Erwin smirked into Levi, biting at his bottom lip again, Levi’s throat working hard.

Erwin dipped down and pressed his large hands to Levi’s thighs, picking him up and placing him down on the desk that Levi had been leaning on. Levi was content to wrap his legs around Erwin in front of him, his heart never having been so satisfied in his entire life. Erwin loved him, and he loved him true. There was nothing more that Levi wanted in his entire life, and he couldn’t truly believe that it was actually happening.

But Erwin’s fierce hands were enough to secure Levi into reality. One of his hands was gripping Levi’s ass, hard and forceful, enough to bruise the pert flesh, and Levi moaned into Erwin’s mouth, not quite able to believe how much control Erwin had over him, making him moan the way that he did. He had pushed Levi’s jacket off his shoulders, and Levi let him, blood running hot, body full of want that coursed through his veins.

His other hand was running up his back until he reached Levi’s hair, tangling his fingers in Levi’s black locks. Levi had his own arms locked around Erwin’s neck, their chests pressing against each other, desperate, hungry. Levi could feel Erwin’s heartbeat running against his own, and it was driving Levi insane, his wanton heart controlling his thoughts and his motions.

Erwin’s mouth on his own was warm and wet, and Levi lapped it up, desperate for more but not wanting to rush it as he had wanted it for so long, and he wanted it to last, he wanted to savour every second of it. Erwin’s slowly exploring hands that had left their previous place told Levi the same story, and they let themselves go slow, learning each other like they had wanted to for so long.

After a long while of slow kissing, the two of their lips bruising and swelling, Erwin started on Levi’s straps across his chest. Kissing a line down his jaw, Erwin nipped lightly, which made Levi moan all over again, his eyes fluttering shut as he continued down his neck, pressing his lips to the skin they could reach. The straps on Levi’s chest were undone slowly, Erwin’s hands cautious, letting Levi have his space, though he was totally welcoming Erwin to touch him and love him and caress him.

Pushing the straps off Levi’s body, Erwin then undid Levi’s cravat, going carefully because he knew how much Levi loved his cravat. But Levi trusted him, and he would let him touch it, though he did watch him as he folded it and placed it on the desk. Erwin then went back to kissing him, and Levi completely forgot that Erwin had folded it so that there would be a crease where Levi did not allow creases.

Levi pulled up his shirt from where it was tucked in before his hands were back on Erwin and touching him again. Erwin started on Levi’s buttons, slowly again, his fingers gentle in contrast to his lips that were burning and ravenous on the parts of Levi’s neck that had now been revealed. Levi stretched his neck up and ran his fingers through Erwin’s blonde locks, desperate for him to go faster but wanting it slow at the same time, the balance impossible to find.

Once all of the buttons had been undone, Erwin pushed the fabric off Levi’s body, and Levi so wanted to fold it and keep it neat, but Erwin was running his hands over Levi’s naked chest once he had practically ripped off his vest, and it was wholly distracting. Instead, Levi fisted a hand in Erwin’s hair and the other curled around Erwin’s shoulder, pressing his clothed chest against Levi’s bare one.

Craving to see Erwin’s naked form close up, Levi shoved Erwin’s jacket off him, discarding it on the floor, his usual levels of cleanliness forgotten as he ran his hands over his broad shoulders under the fabric of the shirt. Their mouths parted, and Levi watched his hands as they explored the man he loved, learning him, his hands memorising his entire being. Erwin let him, one of his hands coming to rest on Levi’s thigh, running lightly up and down, Levi wishing so desperately that the straps weren’t there to stop him from running it up higher and that his thighs were bare so that Erwin might touch his skin instead.

Levi’s hands came to the straps across his chest, and he fiddled with it until it was undone and he too could push it off Erwin, desperate to see him. Before he started on the buttons that hid Erwin from him, Levi traced his fingers up Erwin’s chest again, coming to rest at his bolo tie. He played with the jewel for a moment before loosening it and pulling it over Erwin’s head, Erwin bowing his head so that Levi could do it easily. His heart warmed and swelled as he gently placed it with his cravat, the tie melting into the folds of the white fabric.

Then Levi was back on Erwin’s body, and he pulled the shirt out of his belt where it was tucked before undoing each button, hands shaking. He had never dreamt of this actually happening. Sure, he had had physical dreams of it, but he never thought they would be realised. And now that it was here, he was beginning to realise how wild it was.

On the fourth button, Levi’s hands were shaking too violently for him to concentrate, and he had to take a deep breath to calm his nerves, though that breath was as shaky as his hands. The reality of the situation was too much to comprehend, but he didn’t want to ruin it.

His struggling with the buttons was ruining it for him, and he didn’t want Erwin to think he was some kind of wuss because he couldn’t undress him. But his hands were shaking and he wasn’t able to continue.

Erwin cupped his cheek and brought his gaze up, his brow furrowed, eyes shining.

“What’s wrong?” Erwin asked, his soft tone making Levi melt.

“Nothing.” Levi cleared his throat and felt a great fool.

“We don’t have to do this,” Erwin offered, and his other hand took hold of one of Levi’s, squeezing it reassuringly.

“No, no,” Levi assured. “It’s fine, it’s just…”

“Tell me,” Erwin said, and it wasn’t a command, it was gentle and offering, and Levi could so often not deny Erwin the truth.

“You really love me?” Levi asked, hoping Erwin would get what was worrying him by asking that.

His eyes softened further, and he nodded slowly. “I really love you, Levi.”

Pressing forward gently, Erwin kissed him. It was slow, and it was patient, but it was really just what Levi needed.

“I know this might be a little much to take on,” Erwin began once they had broken apart and his thumb was brushing against Levi’s cheek. “But we can go slow. If it goes too fast, just tell me.”

Levi nodded, throat too thick to answer. Erwin gave him a smile that made Levi melt, and they kissed again, slow, warm, perfect. Reassured, Levi went back to Erwin’s buttons, though they kept their lips locked this time, Levi feeling confident enough to undo them without having to look at them.

When Erwin’s shirt was unbuttoned and gone, and once Erwin had removed his own vest in haste, Levi broke his lips away from Erwin’s, desperate to see his naked form and run his hands over it. It was just as beautiful as all the times he had seen it when they weren’t in a situation like this; the curves of his muscles, the thick scars, the lines of his hips, the indents from where the straps had been pressing in, it was all perfect to Levi. Running a finger over his collarbone, his other hand traced down his chest and stomach, following the thick, blonde hairs that covered his olive skin.

Feeling Erwin shiver underneath his touch, Levi looked up to Erwin who was still much taller than him even with Levi sitting on the desk with his legs either side of Erwin’s. His pupils had engulfed almost all of the colour and his lips were parted, freshly wet. It made Levi swallow.

Levi, craving him, went straight to his belt and started to undo it, but Erwin stopped him, his hands covering Levi’s.

“Stop, stop for a second,” Erwin said.

Levi looked up at him, panting. “You wanna stop?”

“No, not at all,” Erwin said. “I’m just thinking, the first time we make love, I don’t particularly want it to be on a desk.”

Levi snorted. “Okay, if you say make love again, I’m walking out of the door right now. And I don’t mind if I’m fucked on a desk.”

“Yes, we’ll get to… _that_ eventually, but I want to learn you,” Erwin drawled, and it made Levi shiver, his gaze so intense, Levi already felt naked. “I want to learn your body, and that would most certainly be done best on my bed.”

Unable to resist the way Erwin was talking and how he was looking at him, Levi just nodded, lips parted and no words coming out. Few people were tender with him the way Erwin was being, and it was jarring. But it was a good kind of jarring, and his skin was tingling because of it, Erwin making his heart soar.

“You, uh, you gonna pick me up, or what?” Levi said through heavy breaths, his chest rising and falling slowly.

Erwin grinned, and Levi felt naked again. Dipping again, Erwin hooked his arms under Levi’s thighs, and Levi wrapped himself around Erwin, feeling safe and secure in his arms. Pressing their lips together, Erwin walked slowly towards his room, the door thankfully already open. Levi moaned against him, adoring the idea of Erwin wrapping his arms around him, feeling totally encompassed and loved.

He put Levi on the bed gently, and Levi realised he had never been in the room before. Even though Erwin had offered his shower for Levi’s use, he had never taken him up on the offer, and so he had never seen his room either. It was, of course, bigger than the normal quarters, and his bed was certainly more comfortable, which Levi could understand but he still felt a little envy over it.

Right then, with Erwin’s body on top of his, he didn’t really care. Erwin started undoing Levi’s belt and Levi watched him, his blue eyes working hard, the hunger in them so strong it made Levi’s hairs stand up. There were straps everywhere, and Levi very well believed that they were going to get all tangled if they weren’t careful. But they were desperate for each other, and they didn’t seem to take that into account as Erwin hurriedly undid the straps on Levi’s thighs.

Where his fingers brushed Levi’s thighs, everything tingled and sparked. Levi’s hairs were on end, and he couldn’t help the shivers running their way along his spine as Erwin went slow, pulling off Levi’s boots and dragging his hands down his legs. Levi closed his eyes and soaked it in, breathing all too difficult.

When both boots came off, there was no hesitation in taking off Levi’s trousers as well, though the loose straps made it difficult and they had to spend a few moments trying to untangle the mess. Levi then sat on the edge of the bed and got started on Erwin’s belt, desperate to see him naked, hungry for him to fill him up. His cock was hard, pressing against his underwear, surely leaking as he tried to contain his rutting against the air.

Erwin petted his hair, stroking it and tucking strands behind his ear, Levi watching his stomach that had begun to rise and fall heavy, his breathing loud and lustful. Levi detested their uniforms for a moment because they were so fucking impossible to get off when you wanted to be quick. Sure, it made the final release better, but at what fucking cost?

Eventually, Levi got the belt undone and then dealt with one set of straps as Erwin did the other, both desperate to feel each other again. Erwin moaned as one of Levi’s hands brushed against Erwin’s cock as he pulled his trousers down. It felt fucking huge and Levi had to pause and look at Erwin who was smirking. Levi’s jaw dropped.

“You’re not gonna fucking fit,” Levi said, kind of in love with the idea.

“We’ll figure it out,” Erwin assured, cupping Levi’s face and stroking a thumb across his bottom lip. Levi sucked his thumb into his mouth and ran his tongue across it, Erwin’s pupils somehow growing even further.

“Take your boots off already,” Levi said when he had released Erwin from his mouth.

Erwin laughed through his nose and kicked his boots off as best as he could, straps making shit so much harder than it needed to be. Without the confinement of his trousers, Levi could really see the length of his cock, and it already made his ass ache, though he was totally into it. He ran his hand over the length through the cloth, and the moan Erwin released ran though Levi’s body and straight to his own cock.

“Lie down,” Erwin drawled, and Levi went straight to it, not able to say no.

Lying down, Levi propped himself up on his elbows as Erwin crawled onto the bed so that he lay on top of him. The hunger in his eyes filled Levi, and, as their cocks rubbed, he leant up and kissed him, his wet lips sending a wave of want through his body.

Erwin let one of his hands slide down Levi’s body, until it rested at Levi’s cock, and he started rubbing his length, Levi moaning into his lips. Erwin smirked into Levi before he pushed his hand passed the waistband and he started stroking Levi’s cock, running his thumb over the slit and making Levi buck up into his hand. Levi let his own hands run down Erwin’s thick form until it came to his ass where he pushed his underwear over the curve and gripped at the flesh. This time it was Erwin’s turn to moan, and Levi lapped it up.

They both pulled Levi’s underwear off, Erwin pulling his own off hurriedly so they could grind into each other, cocks rubbing without any shielding. It felt too fucking amazing, the friction, the heat, the pressure, and Levi couldn’t help the guttural moan leaving his throat as he wrapped his arms tight around Erwin’s neck.

Erwin cupped Levi’s ass with one hand and pulled his hips higher, and Levi wrapped his legs around Erwin’s hips so their cocks rubbed, flush. He squeezed at the flesh, and Levi moaned against him again, the bruises that were going to form the idea of perfection to him. He ran his tongue against Erwin’s bottom lip, and then their mouths were hot and wet as they moved over each other. They hummed into the other’s mouth, and Levi fell deeper in love with Erwin with every second that passed.

Just as Erwin had said he had wanted to, he took his time learning Levi’s body. After rutting against each other for a good long while, Erwin kissed over every inch of Levi’s skin, starting on his neck, working down his chest and stomach, ending on his thighs where he kissed long and slow, sucking and making Levi’s cock leak against his own stomach.

The only word Levi knew in that moment was Erwin’s name, a private chant that barely left his lips. Of course, he wanted more, but he was content with what he got. Erwin’s lips burnt into his skin, and there was nothing he wanted more than to be loved and touched by his warm, loving, and calloused fingers. He was so tender in his touch, though there was definitely a fire beneath, he was keeping it tame, and Levi was desperate for him to let loose, to fuck him until he came. But he was happy with a gentle love, happy with Erwin’s calm hands.

He actually was very happy with Erwin’s calm hands when Erwin was stretching him. Not having been fucked in a very long time, he needed gentle fingers to stretch his tight hole. It still felt fantastic, and the tight ball at the base of his cock made him moan at every touch. Erwin kept mouthing at Levi’s thighs, his tongue wet and hot, and Levi melted into the sheets beneath him.

Then Erwin was pressing his monster of a cock into Levi’s opening and they were moving together, hands desperate, and gripping, and needy. Levi had never made half the noises that he made with Erwin before, and he would have felt self-conscious, but Erwin was whispering sweet nothings into his ear, about how good he felt and how he liked the way Levi moaned, and it made Levi practically giddy.

With Erwin nibbling at his ear and sucking on his neck, Levi’s entire body felt like it was floating. With the hand that wasn’t keeping him up, Erwin was rubbing Levi’s cock in slow motions, and Levi had his head thrown back into the pillow, sweat running across his skin. He wanted to kiss Erwin, but his mouth was being used for moans, and he couldn’t think straight, so he just hummed and moaned and mewled, and Erwin lapped up every single one.

And when he came in thick loads over his pale stomach, Erwin ran his hand through it and wiped it over Levi’s chest, rubbing across his nipples that made his chest convulse. To have his own semen rubbed across his skin was not something Levi particularly enjoyed, but Erwin’s large hands dirtying him, that was something Levi could get involved with.

Erwin’s come filled Levi until he leaked, and Levi relished every second of it. After a few seconds, being so filthy did not feel so good, and Levi did not pause to let his breathing calm to pull Erwin by the hand into the bathroom.

Not quite sure how it worked, Levi let Erwin work everything and then they stepped under the stream together. It was probably more romantic in Erwin’s mind, but Levi kind of just wanted to get clean. Sure, it had been wonderful and Levi couldn’t believe it had been done so perfectly and enacted just as Levi had wanted it to, just as he had pictured it, but he still believed in being clean, that was still his number one priority.

It was still relatively romantic, Levi wouldn’t deny that. The way they touched each other, the way they helped each other clean, it was more loving than Levi knew, more than he had experienced in a very long time. Decades, maybe.

They helped dry each other off, slowly, lovingly, hands adoring and tender. And then they climbed into bed, Levi not sure if he was allowed, but Erwin practically pulled him into bed before Levi could say anything, and Levi was satisfied with that. He curled himself into Erwin’s chest as Erwin encompassed him with his arms, and Levi felt safe and warm.

There was so much of Levi that didn’t feel like this was real, that he might wake up tomorrow and find himself in his own bed, having just had another dream. So much of Levi feared that that he held onto Erwin dearly, gripping onto his body so that he knew he was real. Even if it was just a dream, it was a perfect dream, and Levi should be thankful for that. He wanted it to be real, and he wanted to believe it was real, but there was a chance it was just a dream. And that was frightening.

It was just so much to handle. Levi had been in love with him for the longest of times, though it had taken a moment for him to realise exactly what it was, and it had happened and Erwin loved him back. He had never really believed that Erwin might love him back. And here he was, in his bed. If this was real, then Levi felt like the luckiest man alive.

Erwin kissed into his hair and breathed in, Levi feeling his arms tighten around him as though he too was gripping onto Levi to make sure this was real. It solidified the reality in Levi’s head and he smiled. He now had another soul to cling to, and he would cling to it until the day it was pried from his hands. Even then, he would keep a hold of it. There was no way he was letting this go, not now that he had it.

Every part of his being called to Erwin, and how it had taken him so long to realise, he really didn’t know. It made so much sense now; of course he had been in love with Erwin for so long, everything he did was for Erwin. What a great fool he had been, to be in love with Erwin, to be so _obviously_ in love with Erwin, and to not know.

But, now that he did know, he would do everything he could to show Erwin just how dear he was to his heart. Levi was in love with Erwin Smith, and, now that he knew it, nothing was going to get in his way to show him that fact. Nothing could get in his way to show Erwin he loved him. He had him now, and he would never let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading x


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